Wednesday, November 30, 2011

"Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent." ~Mignon McLaughlin

It's amazing to me what seeing the sun can do to my mood, my attitude, my outlook.  After writing my post last night, I went to bed worrying that I wouldn't be able to get out of my slump.  But by the end of the day today, even though nothing special happened at work, I had set my sights on a few good things that are happening in my life.  My therapist reminded me a few weeks ago of the passion I have for becoming a published author.  This put my wheels in motion and I since have entered a poetry contest, scheduled a meeting with a self-publisher about a children's book I have, and spoken to a few friends about article writing for magazines.  I'm not expecting to be famous, but I would love to share my love of writing with others.  And I'm realizing that being a doer rather than a stewer has brought me some much needed hope...

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Taking suggestions...anyone???

Outside it is so gloomy and cold.  It makes me want to stay at home, snuggled under a blanket, with the Christmas tree lights shining, and a warm drink in my hand...

Ok, back to reality.  It's the middle of the week, yucky outside, I'm already exhausted, and seem to have lost that feeling of peace and joy I had gained from a long and relaxing weekend.  I have to admit, it's a lot harder to get motivated to do anything when it's cold, wet, and dark the majority of the day.   It gives me too much time to think about the negative, rather than the positives taking place in my life.  The hope turns to sadness and fear.  The love turns to anger and frustration.  The joy turns to guilt and worry.  In these times, I need the push from others to get things done and to find my happy place.  I want to FEEL the warmth and peace I described above, even though I can't actually DO the above. 

Any suggestions...?

Sunday, November 27, 2011

The love of a family is life's greatest blessing. ~ Author Unknown

So bummed it's Sunday already :( I have thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my family the last few days; laughing, talking, and making new traditions! Friday night, we took Caylee downtown for the Christmas tree lighting. It was so fun to spend that time together, to watch Caylee's eyes light up with excitement as Santa came, the tree was lit, and the fireworks started. It was definitely a night to remember. On Saturday, we spent all day getting out, going through, and putting up Christmas decorations. And though there were a few setbacks, broken rails on the deck and what-not, it made me feel happy to see it all come together. Now today, I am excited to take it all in. This morning we put on a pot of chili, turned on all the Christmas lights, Caylee and I listened to Christmas music, and made and decorated Christmas cookies. I love the way the house feels and smells right now. It makes me happy. It was a great weekend, filled with love and new memories...

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Letting it all out...

I am certain God sent me on this new journey for a reason.  He knew it was important for me to find myself, believe in myself, and feel confident with myself in order to gain the strength and courage I would need for the bumps in the road.  And today, I am faced with a challenging decision to which I need His strength and courage.  One that doesn't just include me and my future, but the future of my immediate family.  I see this two ways.  I forgo the medication, consider having another child, and accept the risks that will come with that decision; a risky pregnancy/delivery, surgery in the near future, my life.  The other option is to selfishly ask my husband to forgo having any more children, so that I can try the medication with the HOPE that; the aneurysm will not grow, surgery will not be necessary, my life will be prolonged.

I look at my precious Caylee, think about how much I love her, and love spending time with her.   I sit here asking myself: "how in the world can we ever make this decision?"  And once we do, "how will I know it was the right one?"

I need direction.  I need to not feel guilty and sad and mad and all those other feelings that being a co-dependent has brought me.  I need to know that waiting and thinking this over is okay and will not change anything right now.  I need to feel certain about whatever decision we make. 

I need to remember to live one day at a time, to accept the things I cannot change, and to trust in God.  I pray He will be with me, will guide me, and will give me many more happy days with my family...

Sunday, November 20, 2011

“I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.” ~William Allen White

On Tuesday, I will be heading to see a new cardiologist for a second opinion on my heart condition.  I am trying to stay postive and not worry, but I have to admit I am starting to feel the jitters.  The unknown is so scary to me.  I let my mind wander, I think of worst case scenarios, I feel nervous and sad.  I let my emotions take over.  I cry.  I become irritable and controlling.  It seems all of the changes I've made disappear, and my life starts spinning out of control. 

NOT THIS TIME! 

For now, I am going to remind myself that it is perfectly normal to feel scared.   I am going to allow myself to feel those emotions, prepare for the visit, and lean on friends and family for support, hope, and peace.  No one knows what their future holds.  I will embrace today; learn from yesterday; hope for tomorrow.  And pray that God will continue to lead me on this journey...

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Sometimes it's the simple things in life that bring the most happiness...

I was so excited to get home tonight!  For the first time in a LONG time, I was able to leave right after school to go pick up Caylee.  We stopped by Starbucks and headed home. Chad went back to work this week, so this morning I put a little turkey in the crockpot and for dinner we made turkey and noodles.  I LOVE the way it makes the house smell; warm and cozy.  It was the perfect night for my harvest wreath yankee candle too.  The feeling of love and happiness was in the air.  After dinner, we put on our pj's, cuddled on the couch, and watched an "old school" movie together.  I love sharing these times, just us, and am so thankful for them both .  Sometimes it's the simple things in life that bring the most happiness...

Sunday, November 13, 2011

What a nice weekend...

I had a great weekend with friends and family.  It started with a surprise birthday party for a friend.  It was so great to see everyone.  And I absolutely LOVED playing music in the middle of their living room together!  Something that before I would have watched and really wanted to do, but this time joined in and had a great time :) Thanks to my parents for getting us home safely.  Saturday and Sunday was spent with Chad and Caylee.  We slept in, enjoyed our mornings, and had so much fun together laughing and playing.  Caylee is so sweet and I loved seeing Chad 'the family man' in a new way.  I have to admit, I am dreading heading back to work this week.  So, I am going to enjoy the rest of the evening with the fam. and not think about it until I get there tomorrow...

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right. ~Henry Ford

This week I have learned a lot about myself: it brings me happiness to give to others; smiling makes a huge difference on my attitude; letting go feels good; and receiving the smallest thing from someone else really does brighten my day. I have let myself go to those creepy, crawly places deep within, places I forgot existed, places that bring me those feelings of guilt, shame, and regret.  And now, it is time for me to accept who I have become, decide where to go from here, and, for once, be confident in my direction...

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Oh, what a "happy day!"

So today I tried my best to have a "happy" outlook.  I went into work with a smile on my face, accomplished what NEEDED to be done TODAY, took a break when it was due, and let go of the frustration that had been bothering me.  Truth is, no matter how upsetting some decisions are, how angry others make me feel, or what challenges may be in my future, all are out of my control.  I can change only myself, my attitude, my way of perceiving the situation.  I can only have hope that somewhere along this journey I will be given an opportunity, a chance to take a risk, to get out of my comfort zone, to make a difference.  Until then, I'm going to stop being afraid of everyone and everything at work.  I'm going to stand up for what I believe in, speak when the time is right, and let go of things I cannot change.  Oh, what a "happy day!"...

If you haven't heard about the Happy Day project, check it out; spreading happiness this week!

Monday, November 7, 2011

My thoughts...

Happiness. 
After many responses to my last post, I decided to do a little research of my own.  And within minutes, I was even more confused than I was when I started.  So many different ideas about the word and how to achieve it: through love; from other people; it's a choice; an attitude; your age; a journey. 

And then I happened upon a site with a few quotes that put it all into perspective.  The truth is, it shouldn't be so hard to feel joy and happiness in my life.  I am blessed with a loving family, caring friends, doctors who are watching me closely, supportive co-workers who share similar concerns, and so much more.

Daily, I ask myself, what is wrong with me?  Why can't I let go of these feelings of fear, anxiety, stress, guilt, anger? How can I feel joy and happiness in my life?

And the "a-ha" moment I had tonight is: maybe I'm trying too hard;
"Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder”– Thoreau

Focus on today;
"One day at a time- this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering" -Ida Scott Taylor.

And give myself the freedom to BE HAPPY by smiling, laughing, giving, dreaming, exploring, wondering, creating, and LIVING each and everyday to the fullest...


 

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Thoughts...?

Happiness; how do you define this word?

Is it a feeling, a moment, a memory?  Is it aquired by doing more for others? And how do hope, faith, and peace fit into the equation? 
I have some opinions of my own, but I'm curious to hear what others have to say before I write about it.  I want so badly to feel MORE HAPPINESS and less sadness, fear, anxiety, and stress in my life. 
Please share with me your thoughts...