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Nicole's CaringBridge page

Posted my first journal entry today!

"I'm gonna live like tomorrow never comes"~Zac Brown Band

*Patience-the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

Patience is something I thought I had...up until the last few weeks.  The wondering; the waiting; the worrying.  It has all added up.  And though I feel like I have finally gotten to the acceptance stage as far as the surgery is concerned...I have not been too accepting of the delay with insurance.  Truth is, I do feel upset, and maybe a little angry, that this is taking so long.  I'm so ready to be on the other side; to wake up; to get through the hard part; and to be home with my family resting and recovering.

I get that this is God working.  I've been spending my mornings with Him and my devotional, Jesus Calling.  He has reminded me that I need to trust Him and refuse to worry; that I need to be here--in the present; that He is my strength-empowering me to handle tasks as they come; and my song--bringing me Joy as I work alongside Him.  And yesterday, He even reminded me that my weakness is an opportunity to grow stronger in His presence; that my neediness is building trust in our relationship; and that if I look back on my journey, I should remember that on my days of extreme weakness--those were the days I feared, but learned and grew the most.

Getting through this doesn't have to be the end of my story--and doesn't mean the journey is over.  In fact, lots of people have given me hope that this will be a new beginning to both--a part 2 to my story as I head in a new direction on this journey--and that both excites me and scares me at the same time.

I will ask that you continue to pray for me--for strength and courage in the days ahead; for doctors and nurses that truly care about me and my well being; that my fears will be replaced by His peace; that I wake up and can handle the pain; that even though some things will be hard and embarrassing, I can be accepting of both and thankful for those taking care of me; that He will be there for Chad, Caylee, and the rest of my family--He will show them His love, His compassion, His grace; and that He will comfort us all every step of the way.

Still 'patiently' waiting on insurance approval to schedule the date.  We'll keep you posted as we get more information.

~Nicole <3

The Waiting--is the hardest part. ~Tom Petty

So I made it through the cardiac MRI.  The waiting beforehand was hard.  There were lots of deep breaths..and a few tears...a small panic attack...and then A LOT of me telling myself I can do this.

BUT..the WAITING!

Ah!  I feel like I get more information...then I wait.  

So here's the scoop:

Cardiac MRI showed the aneurysm is bigger than we originally thought (5.1 cm).  We discussed my options and decided to send my records to Cleveland Clinic where my dad had the same surgery 10 years ago.  We were expecting a few weeks to go by before hearing back from them for a consult appointment.  However, they called Friday evening to say there is an urgency for surgery because of the growth rate and wanted me to schedule surgery then and there.  My insurance requires approval to go out of network, so scheduling Friday evening was not an option.   I had to wait all weekend to talk to my doctors here about next steps.  Now I'm waiting for calls back from both nurses here and there--for insurance and to schedule a date.  

Waiting--it's so hard!

I feel like there is so much to do...and so little time.  And I'm wasting time by worrying and waiting.  I know if this was happening to someone else, I would be sending texts with inspirational quotes and bible verses...hoping to encourage them, offer support, remind them of their strength.  But I can't seem to get out of my own head.  The what-if's--the unknowns--the urgency of it all.  I'm driving myself crazy!  I'm not sleeping well.  I'm eating horribly.  And I am extremely emotional. 

AND THIS WAITING!  It's excruciating.

I'll keep you posted as we get more information.  So thankful for my family and friends...the hugs, the thinking of you gifts, and the all around support and prayers.  Still trying to talk myself into this.  Tell myself that I can do this.  And I don't really have a choice.  Now just praying that He will take the wheel--He will lead me down this scary road--and that this isn't the end of my story--that He isn't done with me yet.

Click HERE to learn more about my surgery.

Modified David Procedure is what we are hoping they can do to repair my valve, instead of replacing. Click the above link to learn more.  It is also our hope that Dr. Svensson will be doing the surgery.

Gifting our first windchime--#inspirejoy

Six years ago, when this journey began, I had A LOT to learn about myself.  To be honest, I was not in a good place.  I had recently found out about the aneurysm, was fighting postpartum depression, extremely hormonal, taking care of a new baby girl, moving into a new home, and readying myself to head back to teaching.  It was like...I had so much to be thankful for, to feel joyful about!  But my head and my heart wouldn't let me think or feel it.  I had become an emotional mess and decided it was time to talk to someone. 

Enter Ruth.  

At first, it was hard to talk about me.  Me? Huh...what could I tell her about me?  It had been such a long time since I had really taken a good, hard look at myself.  And really, I'm not sure a ME ever even existed up until that point. Truth be told, I found out I was always so worried about everyone else--pleasing everyone else, providing for everyone else, being there for everyone else, caring for everyone else--that it was literally making me crazy!  I was a codependent person and felt stuck in that label--sad, angry, unhappy, and hopeless.

And from there, Ruth became not only my therapist, but my teacher, my mentor on this journey called life.  She helped me find God's peace...and that brought me joy and hope.  She helped me get unstuck. She encouraged me to go after my dreams.  She helped me up when I fell and pushed me onward when I was afraid. She helped me find a me I never even knew existed!  And eventually, I was able to walk the path on my own two feet.  Six years of twists and turns, ups and downs, highs, and lows--and there are still days that I miss our 'talks'.

So. When we decided we would gift our first inspire.joy piece to someone who has inspired joy in our lives, she was the person that came to mind.  You see, not only has she helped inspire me on my journey, she has set an example for me and so many others on her own.  In late March of this year, she was diagnosed with Leukemia. You can read about her story here.  Her unwavering faith, positive attitude, strength, and courage continue to amaze me each day.  And I am so very thankful that God brought her into my life when He did.

On Saturday, we got to visit and I was able to present this very special piece, made especially for her. The idea behind our inspire.joy shareable trinkets is that you will find them (or receive them as a gift), keep them (as a reminder of the joy you are spreading in our world), and then, when you're ready, pass it on (to someone who has inspired joy in your life or that you feel needs inspired).

It is our hope to start a movement--to spread joy in and around our communities--by recognizing those who inspire us on a daily basis.  We hope you'll join #inspirejoy and share your stories with us!

Ruth's windchime is now on her front porch and as the wind blows, is a daily reminder of the joy she is inspiring in our world. <3

  

"Love is the REMEDY" ~Zac Brown Band

A few years ago (well, probably more than a few...but who's counting?!) my hubby and I had the opportunity to see Zac Brown Band for the first time at the Pepsi Coliseum.  It was probably my favorite concert to date (coming in close 2nd--Mumford).  The venue was perfect...small, intimate, not overly crowded. And what I loved most about his music and style was that it spoke to me. It was like he was telling my story. That night, I was filled with joy and happiness...hope and excitement. And up until now, my journey has been just that: filled with joy and happiness, hope and excitement!

But, I've been a bit down lately.  And I've actually been quite mad at myself for it, feeling guilty and worried that I'm not doing enough...that I'm not contributing enough, following through enough, being present enough.

It's true that music has played (pun intended) a huge part of me finding myself on this journey.  In fact, music has gotten me through most of the trip.  I find certain genres or songs appeal to me as I take on new challenges or face changes.  Some days, I'm a laid back Mandolin Orange type of girl. Other days, I find myself jammin' to top pop or old school and reliving the glory days.  When I 'm in my car with the windows rolled down, hair blowin' in the wind (mental picture is way better than the actual), I like inspirational songs...the ones that motivate  me to get off my bum and get 'er done!  I enjoy music.  I enjoy the emotion it allows me to feel, without judgement, as I sit quietly, hum along, or belt it out.

So.  Today I'm sharing a new favorite of mine.  If you haven't  heard their latest album, I highly recommend it.  I love that it is called 'Jekyll and Hyde' as the songs vary on so many levels, telling lots of different life stories.  A reminder of all I have been through (good, bad, and ugly) to get where I am today.  No more backstepping.

Praying the next part of this journey will make me "stronger and wiser".  And hoping to share a new project soon that will spread "love (to) one another". He's got this!  Amen!!!

Video with lyrics <3

Let your faith be bigger than your fear. ~unknown

For the past several days I've not been myself.  I'm experiencing a wide range of emotions, sleepless nights, and worrying about lots of things, most of which I have no control over.

Truth be told...I am absolutely and utterly freaked out about this next part of the journey.  I keep talking to myself (yes, I might be a bit crazy), saying things like...don't worry, you've got this; hand it over to the Lord, He is in control; breathe; take it all in; fear-less; enjoy this moment.  Problem is, I'm trying REALLY hard to believe it, to feel it, to live it...and I'm having trouble.  My mind is totally all over the place and I can't seem to get it back in check.

http://sincerelysarad.com

Cue in my Jesus Calling book.  I try to spend at least ten minutes per day alone, taking in the quiet and beauty of the morning, and most recently praying to feel a peace in His presence. Today, one of the verses was Galatians 5:22-23.  And the devotional said, "Do not worry about what other people think of you.  The work I am doing in you is hidden at first.  But eventually blossoms will burst forth, and abundant fruit will be born. Stay on the path of Life with Me. Trust Me wholeheartedly, letting My Spirit fill you with Joy and Peace". ~Sarah Young

Joy and Peace.  All that I have been praying for.  And I look at this list--the Fruit of the Spirit-- and it makes me long for all of them.  I want to be and feel; love, and joy, and peace, and patience, and kindness, and goodness, and faithfulness, and gentleness, and self-control.  I want to not worry about this next leg of the journey because I know He has this and I will survive.  I want to believe in His plan for me and the purpose He has for this in my life.

I'm still trying to get there.  I've had a few good cries, some time to be alone with my thoughts, taken lots of deep breaths, spent nights talking with family and friends about options.  But the truth is...this is happening, sooner than I would like. And I want to be prepared.  I want to be ready.  I want my family and friends to be ready.

The cardiac MRI has been scheduled for September 9th.  Please pray that I can make it through the duration without having a panic attack.  My cardiologist will be having a Nuclear Medicine Specialist look for certain genetic markers and once we have the results, I will begin meeting with surgeons. My dad had the exact same surgery done at Cleveland Clinic about ten years ago.  So we plan to meet with his surgeon along with a few others located here in Indy to look over my records and determine the next steps.

For now, I'm putting this quote on repeat: let your FAITH be bigger than your fear; let your faith be BIGGER than your fear; let your FAITH be BIGGER than your fear...

~Nicole

So say Geronimo! ~Sheppard

*Geronimo-an exclamation used when jumping from a great height or moving at high speed.

I've spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts over the last few days.  I needed some time to process life as it is...and life as it will be in the coming months.  For those of you who don't know, I had my six month ECHO and cardiologist appointment on Friday. We found out that the aneurysm has grown .1 cm and we are pushing 5.0 cm (the time when it is suggested to do surgery).  I will be getting an MRI in February and then we will begin the process of searching for the best surgeon.  My cardiologist thinks I may be a good candidate for the David procedure---also known as an aortic root repair with valve sparing.  Surgery will require this procedure along with the repair of the aneurysm.

So...obviously the thoughts in my head are all over the place!  We have some time to get things situated, but the fact of the matter is...it's about that time.  And really, I'm just trying to prepare myself for all that could be.  It's given me a bit of a reality check and has made me think about some things I would usually prefer not to.

I heard this Sheppard song today and though all of the lyrics don't refer to my specific situation,  the phrase---So say Geronimo!---spoke to me.

     
Needing to talk myself into this surgery; tell myself I can do this; and believe I will be a survivor.  

So I'm diving in and saying Geronimo!  If you know a surgeon here in Indy or have had experience with surgeons at Cleveland Clinic, I would love to hear your story or anything you can tell me about your journey.  Please share in the comments below or email me: nicole@flowersonfootprints.com

I'll be revisiting my Fear-less list over the next few weeks as I breathe in this beautiful world and the precious people who are sharing life with me. I have a feeling I'll be saying Geronimo A LOT!

Much love to you all~
Nicole

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. ~Psalm 143:10

Today, I feel like He's moving me forward.  I completed my CPR certification and I now just have to wait for the IDOE to approve and renew my teaching license!  It's made me reflect a bit on the last year and allowed me to be honest with myself about all that has happened.

When I left Perry Township, I thought I was done in the classroom.  I really had no intention of renewing my license or stepping foot back into what I called our 'broken educational system'.  And then along came something new!  It was a vision that totally spoke to me and one that I truly believed in...its mission, its purpose, its ideas, but most importantly, its people...the ones promising this place would be different; would really make a difference.

But, I have to be honest here, I was disappointed.  And I'm not sure where that leaves me to go next. I do know, looking back, that I did learn a lot.  I was forced to really stand up and speak out for what I believe in and I learned to stand up and speak out for others. I learned that no matter how badly you want something to be successful, without proper communication and follow through, it will not.  I've learned that it's okay to have differing opinions and how to work through those situations with others. And I've learned that this won't be the last time that someone/something disappoints me.  If there is one thing I miss about RPE, it is the amount of teamwork and collaboration all of the staff put into their work.  Because in the end, being part of a team is how you get through.  They are the people who support you, who help you through the uncomfortable situations, and show you what to do when you get lost.  I'm thankful for my experiences there with more than one team who did just that. And hope, if nothing else, I was able to pass that importance along during my time at IAE.

Now I think it's time to accept that I'm going on a new adventure...one that hasn't been shown to me yet. I know He's teaching me patience (something I totally need to work on) and I'm just waiting 'patiently' for Him to show me where to go next...

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps. -Proverbs 16:9

So originally, I had planned on making a quick post this morning.  But the more I thought about where I am and what I want to put out there, I decided a comeback post would be better :-)

This year has been a rough one.  Plain and simple.  And it's made me question several times where it is I'm heading.  So, I've been praying and asking God to show me where to go next...to give me a sign of sorts that I'm moving in the right direction.  Thankfully, my husband has been very patient and supportive with this!

And this morning, after spending some time in my Jesus Calling book, I was moved to be honest with myself and put this out there.

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps." -Proverbs 16:9

My heart very much wants a place...a studio/workshop where I can share my passion for life and the creative arts with others.  I've spent the last several months searching for this 'perfect' spot to no avail. I've also explored other options: going back to the classroom, educational consulting, getting a degree in counseling.  But none of these options appeal to my heart like a place that I, and hopefully others, can call 'home'.
My heart (and my head) seem to have it all figured out, but I have to keep reminding myself that HE is the one establishing the steps.  That HE will lead me to a place I can call 'home'.  And that HE has a purpose for all of the stops I am making along the way. I can be hopeful for the future, but I need to trust in His plans and relax and enjoy the present moment as it is.
Putting this out there seems to be a first step. Here's to allowing Him to establish the next few!<3