Every day is a new beginning. Treat it that way. Stay away from what might have been, and look at what can be. ~Marsha Petrie Sue

Today...some people may look at it as the last day of the year, the closing of a door in their life, the ending of a chapter of their story. 

I'm choosing to think of it as another new beginning.  One that is full of hope for things to come and dreams coming true in the future.  The way I look at it, it can only get better from here.  This morning, I recognized something that I love... having dance parties with my daughter, in our pj's, while drinking coffee, and picking up the house.  To you, that might sound really silly, but to me, it brought so much joy and happiness; no worries, feeling carefree, having fun, and being silly.  Music has been such a HUGE part of my journey, it seems only fitting that the "a-ha" moment came while listening to some of my new favorite songs.

As I embark on another new beginning to my journey, I want you to know how thankful I am to have you in my life.  Without the support and love from my family, friends, and God, I wouldn't be where I am today.  I have grown so much in the last year; learned new things, overcome fears, made friendships stronger (new and old), love greater, myself happier.  I have pushed myself to the limits, stepped outside my comfort zone, stood up for myself and my beliefs (without crying).  I am proud of where I've been and can't wait to see where God will lead me next.

Have a wonderful and safe "beginning" to the new year everyone...

Love: the best gift of the season...

Feeling a little more like myself tonight.  Had time to take care of myself too.  Caylee was in a great mood and I got everything ready for tomorrow a little early, so we were able to sit on the couch and hang with daddy for a little bit.  And while we were sitting there, laughing at each other and cuddling on the couch, I got a great feeling of joy.  Haven't felt that in a while.  It was a nice reminder that in the midst of everything, love is the greatest gift of all...

A million pieces...

So many feelings and emotions are taking their toll on my body.  I am totally and utterly physically exhausted, and I'm finding some of my codependent behaviors that I've worked so hard to let go of, gradually creeping back into my life.  Things that I should not worry about or even think of cause me extreme anger and jealousy.  I want to cry; to scream; for people to understand that this is hard on me too.  I know God will never give me more than I can handle, but right now my plate seems pretty full.  And I'm afraid that with too much more, I'll shatter into a million pieces...

"Today, I will let go and let God." ~Melody Beattie

It seems hard to believe that one week ago I was just getting to the hospital in Frisco where Chad was.  The days have flown by since then, but in the moment, have felt really long.  Since returning home, we have managed to adjust.  I have been off work helping to get insurance, prescriptions, and doctors lined up, while doing my best to take care of Chad.  He has been very appreciative and I have loved being here for him. 

I have to admit, it was really helpful not to have to worry about work last week.  My team took care of my kids and everyone was so supportive.  I am, however, a little nervous about heading back tomorrow.  It has been hard to keep up with Caylee, the house, and Chad without work.  Now, it's back to the grind and all that comes with it.  On top of Christmas shopping (now by myself), keeping up with daily household chores, and taking care of my family, I have to make sure testing gets completed, grades entered, report cards written, and the list goes on and on.  I'm feeling a little stressed out and overwhelmed, not to mention exhausted.

My hope is that by taking it one day at a time, I will be able to accomplish it all without worry, frustration, temper tantrums (yes, I still have them), and crying.  I hope to accept any and all help from others, not dwell on the anger I have about the past week's events, and focus on what is truly important.  Things that need to be done will get done in their own time.  I am not in control.  So for now, I must "let go and let God"...

I love you Chad, and I'm so glad you are here with me today...

As most of you know, Chad was in a skiing accident last Saturday that required emergency surgery...

He was spending the weekend with some friends in Denver and heading up to the mountains to go skiing Saturday and Sunday with them.  They had a fun couple of days planned and I did as well.  I was spending time with friends, my mom, and Caylee.  After enjoying a morning at the outlet mall, we had a delicious lunch and were on our way up to my brother and SIL's house when I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize.  To my surprise it was Chad's friend Mark, I figured calling to give me a hard time about something or to play a joke on me...however, I became alarmed when the jokester voice I know so well was not the voice I heard on the other side of the phone.  Instead, very slowly and calmly he told me that Chad had fallen, he hurt his leg, but was okay, and he would call me back soon to keep me posted. 

Now, seeing as Chad had just been released from the doctor the previous Monday for a broken arm, I figured maybe he just sprained his ankle or something trying not to re-injur that.  But about 20 minutes later, I received an update from Mark telling me they were starting an IV, that Chad was very uncomfortable, and that they were taking him to the hospital for further testing.  I had still not been able to talk to Chad, and when I finally did, he was in so much pain, he couldn't really talk to me.

I was a nervous wreck by this time.  And we were hoping they could stabilize his leg enough to send him home, but again, no such luck.  He called me just before being taken back for surgery, said they couldn't wait for me to get there, to tell Caylee he loved her, and that the doctor would call me when he was done.  I was shaking, and crying, and felt so helpless, so desperate, so angry.  I wanted to snap my fingers and be there. 

So, I did the next best thing.  I started searching for flights to Denver.  I was able to get one the next morning and my wonderful SIL helped me find a ride from the airport to the hospital so I would not have to rent a car and drive myself in the state I was in.  I couldn't eat or sleep, I couldn't stop crying, I had the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach.  There was nothing I could do and I wanted to do something so badly.

Early Sunday morning I arrived at the airport.  I kissed Caylee, told her I was going to go get her daddy and bring him home.  It was emotional and scary.  You see, I don't like riding on airplanes, especially by myself.  I don't like doing anything by myself.  And yet, here I was at the airport, waiting  anxiously, by myself, doing whatever I could to get to Chad. 

And I made it, finally.  It was surreal when I finally got there.  I had only slept a few hours and had eaten nothing since lunch the day before, so felt a little out of it.

It has continued to be a whirlwind since then.  We managed to make it home, but are now trying to become accustomed to what life is going to be like the next few months.  It is going to be hard, but I am praying that with love, each other, and God's grace, we will push through. 

I love you Chad, and I'm so glad you are here with me today...

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." ~William Shakespeare

And boy am I learning how true this statement is.  I  just got off the phone with my hubby who took a weekend getaway without me to Denver.  For the past couple of weeks, I have been so excited about having the alone time; watching chick flicks, reading books, getting on what he calls "my digital media" without feeling guilty, shopping at the outlet mall, hangin' with the girls.  But for some reason, today, I have been so emotional.  Each time I have talked to him, I have choked back the tears and the knot in the back of my throat.  And I'm asking myself, "why am I so upset?"  He and I are both safe and should be able to enjoy some healthy time away from each other.  I don't want to ruin his time by being upset every time I talk to him because I want him to have fun and not feel guilty, but on the other side of that I want him to miss me as much as I do him.  In a way, I think I'm feeling a tad jealous that he is doing something outside of the normal day-to-day stuff without me.  Either way, I'm "thinking" too much about it. Hope I can get passed this and enjoy my time too.  Monday will be here before I know it...