Every day is a new beginning. Treat it that way. Stay away from what might have been, and look at what can be. ~Marsha Petrie Sue

Today...some people may look at it as the last day of the year, the closing of a door in their life, the ending of a chapter of their story. 

I'm choosing to think of it as another new beginning.  One that is full of hope for things to come and dreams coming true in the future.  The way I look at it, it can only get better from here.  This morning, I recognized something that I love... having dance parties with my daughter, in our pj's, while drinking coffee, and picking up the house.  To you, that might sound really silly, but to me, it brought so much joy and happiness; no worries, feeling carefree, having fun, and being silly.  Music has been such a HUGE part of my journey, it seems only fitting that the "a-ha" moment came while listening to some of my new favorite songs.

As I embark on another new beginning to my journey, I want you to know how thankful I am to have you in my life.  Without the support and love from my family, friends, and God, I wouldn't be where I am today.  I have grown so much in the last year; learned new things, overcome fears, made friendships stronger (new and old), love greater, myself happier.  I have pushed myself to the limits, stepped outside my comfort zone, stood up for myself and my beliefs (without crying).  I am proud of where I've been and can't wait to see where God will lead me next.

Have a wonderful and safe "beginning" to the new year everyone...

Love: the best gift of the season...

Feeling a little more like myself tonight.  Had time to take care of myself too.  Caylee was in a great mood and I got everything ready for tomorrow a little early, so we were able to sit on the couch and hang with daddy for a little bit.  And while we were sitting there, laughing at each other and cuddling on the couch, I got a great feeling of joy.  Haven't felt that in a while.  It was a nice reminder that in the midst of everything, love is the greatest gift of all...

A million pieces...

So many feelings and emotions are taking their toll on my body.  I am totally and utterly physically exhausted, and I'm finding some of my codependent behaviors that I've worked so hard to let go of, gradually creeping back into my life.  Things that I should not worry about or even think of cause me extreme anger and jealousy.  I want to cry; to scream; for people to understand that this is hard on me too.  I know God will never give me more than I can handle, but right now my plate seems pretty full.  And I'm afraid that with too much more, I'll shatter into a million pieces...

"Today, I will let go and let God." ~Melody Beattie

It seems hard to believe that one week ago I was just getting to the hospital in Frisco where Chad was.  The days have flown by since then, but in the moment, have felt really long.  Since returning home, we have managed to adjust.  I have been off work helping to get insurance, prescriptions, and doctors lined up, while doing my best to take care of Chad.  He has been very appreciative and I have loved being here for him. 

I have to admit, it was really helpful not to have to worry about work last week.  My team took care of my kids and everyone was so supportive.  I am, however, a little nervous about heading back tomorrow.  It has been hard to keep up with Caylee, the house, and Chad without work.  Now, it's back to the grind and all that comes with it.  On top of Christmas shopping (now by myself), keeping up with daily household chores, and taking care of my family, I have to make sure testing gets completed, grades entered, report cards written, and the list goes on and on.  I'm feeling a little stressed out and overwhelmed, not to mention exhausted.

My hope is that by taking it one day at a time, I will be able to accomplish it all without worry, frustration, temper tantrums (yes, I still have them), and crying.  I hope to accept any and all help from others, not dwell on the anger I have about the past week's events, and focus on what is truly important.  Things that need to be done will get done in their own time.  I am not in control.  So for now, I must "let go and let God"...

I love you Chad, and I'm so glad you are here with me today...

As most of you know, Chad was in a skiing accident last Saturday that required emergency surgery...

He was spending the weekend with some friends in Denver and heading up to the mountains to go skiing Saturday and Sunday with them.  They had a fun couple of days planned and I did as well.  I was spending time with friends, my mom, and Caylee.  After enjoying a morning at the outlet mall, we had a delicious lunch and were on our way up to my brother and SIL's house when I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize.  To my surprise it was Chad's friend Mark, I figured calling to give me a hard time about something or to play a joke on me...however, I became alarmed when the jokester voice I know so well was not the voice I heard on the other side of the phone.  Instead, very slowly and calmly he told me that Chad had fallen, he hurt his leg, but was okay, and he would call me back soon to keep me posted. 

Now, seeing as Chad had just been released from the doctor the previous Monday for a broken arm, I figured maybe he just sprained his ankle or something trying not to re-injur that.  But about 20 minutes later, I received an update from Mark telling me they were starting an IV, that Chad was very uncomfortable, and that they were taking him to the hospital for further testing.  I had still not been able to talk to Chad, and when I finally did, he was in so much pain, he couldn't really talk to me.

I was a nervous wreck by this time.  And we were hoping they could stabilize his leg enough to send him home, but again, no such luck.  He called me just before being taken back for surgery, said they couldn't wait for me to get there, to tell Caylee he loved her, and that the doctor would call me when he was done.  I was shaking, and crying, and felt so helpless, so desperate, so angry.  I wanted to snap my fingers and be there. 

So, I did the next best thing.  I started searching for flights to Denver.  I was able to get one the next morning and my wonderful SIL helped me find a ride from the airport to the hospital so I would not have to rent a car and drive myself in the state I was in.  I couldn't eat or sleep, I couldn't stop crying, I had the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach.  There was nothing I could do and I wanted to do something so badly.

Early Sunday morning I arrived at the airport.  I kissed Caylee, told her I was going to go get her daddy and bring him home.  It was emotional and scary.  You see, I don't like riding on airplanes, especially by myself.  I don't like doing anything by myself.  And yet, here I was at the airport, waiting  anxiously, by myself, doing whatever I could to get to Chad. 

And I made it, finally.  It was surreal when I finally got there.  I had only slept a few hours and had eaten nothing since lunch the day before, so felt a little out of it.

It has continued to be a whirlwind since then.  We managed to make it home, but are now trying to become accustomed to what life is going to be like the next few months.  It is going to be hard, but I am praying that with love, each other, and God's grace, we will push through. 

I love you Chad, and I'm so glad you are here with me today...

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." ~William Shakespeare

And boy am I learning how true this statement is.  I  just got off the phone with my hubby who took a weekend getaway without me to Denver.  For the past couple of weeks, I have been so excited about having the alone time; watching chick flicks, reading books, getting on what he calls "my digital media" without feeling guilty, shopping at the outlet mall, hangin' with the girls.  But for some reason, today, I have been so emotional.  Each time I have talked to him, I have choked back the tears and the knot in the back of my throat.  And I'm asking myself, "why am I so upset?"  He and I are both safe and should be able to enjoy some healthy time away from each other.  I don't want to ruin his time by being upset every time I talk to him because I want him to have fun and not feel guilty, but on the other side of that I want him to miss me as much as I do him.  In a way, I think I'm feeling a tad jealous that he is doing something outside of the normal day-to-day stuff without me.  Either way, I'm "thinking" too much about it. Hope I can get passed this and enjoy my time too.  Monday will be here before I know it...

"Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent." ~Mignon McLaughlin

It's amazing to me what seeing the sun can do to my mood, my attitude, my outlook.  After writing my post last night, I went to bed worrying that I wouldn't be able to get out of my slump.  But by the end of the day today, even though nothing special happened at work, I had set my sights on a few good things that are happening in my life.  My therapist reminded me a few weeks ago of the passion I have for becoming a published author.  This put my wheels in motion and I since have entered a poetry contest, scheduled a meeting with a self-publisher about a children's book I have, and spoken to a few friends about article writing for magazines.  I'm not expecting to be famous, but I would love to share my love of writing with others.  And I'm realizing that being a doer rather than a stewer has brought me some much needed hope...

Taking suggestions...anyone???

Outside it is so gloomy and cold.  It makes me want to stay at home, snuggled under a blanket, with the Christmas tree lights shining, and a warm drink in my hand...

Ok, back to reality.  It's the middle of the week, yucky outside, I'm already exhausted, and seem to have lost that feeling of peace and joy I had gained from a long and relaxing weekend.  I have to admit, it's a lot harder to get motivated to do anything when it's cold, wet, and dark the majority of the day.   It gives me too much time to think about the negative, rather than the positives taking place in my life.  The hope turns to sadness and fear.  The love turns to anger and frustration.  The joy turns to guilt and worry.  In these times, I need the push from others to get things done and to find my happy place.  I want to FEEL the warmth and peace I described above, even though I can't actually DO the above. 

Any suggestions...?

The love of a family is life's greatest blessing. ~ Author Unknown

So bummed it's Sunday already :( I have thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my family the last few days; laughing, talking, and making new traditions! Friday night, we took Caylee downtown for the Christmas tree lighting. It was so fun to spend that time together, to watch Caylee's eyes light up with excitement as Santa came, the tree was lit, and the fireworks started. It was definitely a night to remember. On Saturday, we spent all day getting out, going through, and putting up Christmas decorations. And though there were a few setbacks, broken rails on the deck and what-not, it made me feel happy to see it all come together. Now today, I am excited to take it all in. This morning we put on a pot of chili, turned on all the Christmas lights, Caylee and I listened to Christmas music, and made and decorated Christmas cookies. I love the way the house feels and smells right now. It makes me happy. It was a great weekend, filled with love and new memories...

Letting it all out...

I am certain God sent me on this new journey for a reason.  He knew it was important for me to find myself, believe in myself, and feel confident with myself in order to gain the strength and courage I would need for the bumps in the road.  And today, I am faced with a challenging decision to which I need His strength and courage.  One that doesn't just include me and my future, but the future of my immediate family.  I see this two ways.  I forgo the medication, consider having another child, and accept the risks that will come with that decision; a risky pregnancy/delivery, surgery in the near future, my life.  The other option is to selfishly ask my husband to forgo having any more children, so that I can try the medication with the HOPE that; the aneurysm will not grow, surgery will not be necessary, my life will be prolonged.

I look at my precious Caylee, think about how much I love her, and love spending time with her.   I sit here asking myself: "how in the world can we ever make this decision?"  And once we do, "how will I know it was the right one?"

I need direction.  I need to not feel guilty and sad and mad and all those other feelings that being a co-dependent has brought me.  I need to know that waiting and thinking this over is okay and will not change anything right now.  I need to feel certain about whatever decision we make. 

I need to remember to live one day at a time, to accept the things I cannot change, and to trust in God.  I pray He will be with me, will guide me, and will give me many more happy days with my family...

“I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.” ~William Allen White

On Tuesday, I will be heading to see a new cardiologist for a second opinion on my heart condition.  I am trying to stay postive and not worry, but I have to admit I am starting to feel the jitters.  The unknown is so scary to me.  I let my mind wander, I think of worst case scenarios, I feel nervous and sad.  I let my emotions take over.  I cry.  I become irritable and controlling.  It seems all of the changes I've made disappear, and my life starts spinning out of control. 

NOT THIS TIME! 

For now, I am going to remind myself that it is perfectly normal to feel scared.   I am going to allow myself to feel those emotions, prepare for the visit, and lean on friends and family for support, hope, and peace.  No one knows what their future holds.  I will embrace today; learn from yesterday; hope for tomorrow.  And pray that God will continue to lead me on this journey...

Sometimes it's the simple things in life that bring the most happiness...

I was so excited to get home tonight!  For the first time in a LONG time, I was able to leave right after school to go pick up Caylee.  We stopped by Starbucks and headed home. Chad went back to work this week, so this morning I put a little turkey in the crockpot and for dinner we made turkey and noodles.  I LOVE the way it makes the house smell; warm and cozy.  It was the perfect night for my harvest wreath yankee candle too.  The feeling of love and happiness was in the air.  After dinner, we put on our pj's, cuddled on the couch, and watched an "old school" movie together.  I love sharing these times, just us, and am so thankful for them both .  Sometimes it's the simple things in life that bring the most happiness...

What a nice weekend...

I had a great weekend with friends and family.  It started with a surprise birthday party for a friend.  It was so great to see everyone.  And I absolutely LOVED playing music in the middle of their living room together!  Something that before I would have watched and really wanted to do, but this time joined in and had a great time :) Thanks to my parents for getting us home safely.  Saturday and Sunday was spent with Chad and Caylee.  We slept in, enjoyed our mornings, and had so much fun together laughing and playing.  Caylee is so sweet and I loved seeing Chad 'the family man' in a new way.  I have to admit, I am dreading heading back to work this week.  So, I am going to enjoy the rest of the evening with the fam. and not think about it until I get there tomorrow...

Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right. ~Henry Ford

This week I have learned a lot about myself: it brings me happiness to give to others; smiling makes a huge difference on my attitude; letting go feels good; and receiving the smallest thing from someone else really does brighten my day. I have let myself go to those creepy, crawly places deep within, places I forgot existed, places that bring me those feelings of guilt, shame, and regret.  And now, it is time for me to accept who I have become, decide where to go from here, and, for once, be confident in my direction...

Oh, what a "happy day!"

So today I tried my best to have a "happy" outlook.  I went into work with a smile on my face, accomplished what NEEDED to be done TODAY, took a break when it was due, and let go of the frustration that had been bothering me.  Truth is, no matter how upsetting some decisions are, how angry others make me feel, or what challenges may be in my future, all are out of my control.  I can change only myself, my attitude, my way of perceiving the situation.  I can only have hope that somewhere along this journey I will be given an opportunity, a chance to take a risk, to get out of my comfort zone, to make a difference.  Until then, I'm going to stop being afraid of everyone and everything at work.  I'm going to stand up for what I believe in, speak when the time is right, and let go of things I cannot change.  Oh, what a "happy day!"...

If you haven't heard about the Happy Day project, check it out; spreading happiness this week!

My thoughts...

Happiness. 
After many responses to my last post, I decided to do a little research of my own.  And within minutes, I was even more confused than I was when I started.  So many different ideas about the word and how to achieve it: through love; from other people; it's a choice; an attitude; your age; a journey. 

And then I happened upon a site with a few quotes that put it all into perspective.  The truth is, it shouldn't be so hard to feel joy and happiness in my life.  I am blessed with a loving family, caring friends, doctors who are watching me closely, supportive co-workers who share similar concerns, and so much more.

Daily, I ask myself, what is wrong with me?  Why can't I let go of these feelings of fear, anxiety, stress, guilt, anger? How can I feel joy and happiness in my life?

And the "a-ha" moment I had tonight is: maybe I'm trying too hard;
"Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder”– Thoreau

Focus on today;
"One day at a time- this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering" -Ida Scott Taylor.

And give myself the freedom to BE HAPPY by smiling, laughing, giving, dreaming, exploring, wondering, creating, and LIVING each and everyday to the fullest...


 

Thoughts...?

Happiness; how do you define this word?

Is it a feeling, a moment, a memory?  Is it aquired by doing more for others? And how do hope, faith, and peace fit into the equation? 
I have some opinions of my own, but I'm curious to hear what others have to say before I write about it.  I want so badly to feel MORE HAPPINESS and less sadness, fear, anxiety, and stress in my life. 
Please share with me your thoughts... 

Learn from yesterday, Live for today, Hope for tomorrow ~Albert Einstein

Took some time tonight going back and reading through old posts.  It was nice to reflect on the places I've been, the people who've helped me, and the path God has taken me down.  Sometimes I get so wrapped up in pleasing everybody else, I let my life spin out of control.  The above quote is one of my favorites.  There are many lessons to be learned from my past and they are being revealed to me as I go about my daily life; no need to be afraid.  Instead, live for the day; enjoy it and don't be so worried about everybody else, how they might feel, what they might say, if they are going to be upset.  Find hope; from others, from within, by being a "doer" instead of a "stewer".  The time spent this weekend with family and friends reminded me of this.  And there is hope; in my heart and for my future.  Now, let's pray I don't lose it at work this week...

Friends are the sunshine of life. ~John Hay

After a long and very hard week, I am finally starting to feel a little happier.  I had many responses to my last post; suggestions of things to do, quotes to remember, Bible verses to read, and songs to listen to.  Just what I needed.  Last night, I was able to relax and enjoy the night with some friends we hadn't seen in a while.  I went to bed early, slept in late, and awoke to a beautiful fall day.  Chad and I took Caylee to the apple orchard and the park, and when we returned home, there was a delicious cookie bouquet on my front porch.  It was such a nice surprise and so much appreciated. The quote above is so true.  This week, my friends have helped me climb out of that hole and see the sunshine.  Thank you...

Asking for help...

When I started this blog, I had many hopes and dreams for myself, my family, and my future.  I was tired of feeling guilty about the same old things, crying all the time, worrying about everyone, and not taking care of myself.  Looking back, this blog was a fresh start for me; a place where I could talk about my fears, escape from my worries, and have quiet time to reflect on my journey, my progress, the new me.  Weeks later, I have found myself stuck in a hole I can't quite seem to dig myself out of.  So, I am looking for some INSPIRATION; MOTIVATION; HOPE.  I want to get back to a place of peace, where enjoying every moment of every day puts a smile on my face, where worry and fear fade away and are replaced with feelings of comfort and joy. I can't do it alone.  I'm asking for help...

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” ~Dr. Seuss

Sitting on the balcony, drinking my morning coffee, and watching the waves roll in.  Today is our last day here and in this moment, I am wishing we had just a little longer to soak this all in.  This week, many things have happened that made me take a deeper look at one of my daily worries; what do others think of me, do I have a right to speak up, to participate, to be there???  And here's the thing, in the past I was told I wasn't welcome; in certain places, events, circumstances, etc.  The fact of the matter is: that shouldn't matter now, but the problem is, it does. I want others to know the real me; a compassionate, caring, kind person.  In the past, I may have come off differently to you, that wasn't the real me, that was me reacting to those daily worries.  It's hard to admit, but I wanted to fit in, to have friends who cared about and loved me, to feel happy.  And at the time, I thought that's what I had...it wasn't.  If you are a person that I have hurt in some way, please accept my sincere apology...

"Quiet Your Mind" -Zac Brown Band

It's been a while since my last post.  I have been doing a lot of soul searching, mind wandering, and working hard to figure out why the happiness has left me.  Then, on my way to work last week, Zac Brown Band's "Quiet Your Mind" started playing on my iPod.  And what I started to realize is that I have been working too hard to figure things out.  My mind was definitely not quiet and I seem to have gone back to many of my co-dependent behaviors.  Why?  I asked myself...and then it hit me.  I felt strong, more independent, able to control my emotions, but with the passing of my grandma I lost all control; of my emotions, of my vulnerability, I felt like a victim again, with fears, worries, and a lot of anxiety.  I was kicked down and, as a recovering co-dependent, am having a hard time standing back up, feeling confident, and enjoying my life.  This week I am at the beach and really connecting with this song and it's lyrics (below the screen): 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ty4TsRJQ_M
Instead of thinking, worrying, and feeling fear, I am going to try to "quiet my mind" and "soak it all in".  And hopefully come back from the beach refreshed, revived, rejuvenated, and ready to enjoy life's moments...

Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing. ~Mother Teresa

In life, sometimes it's the smallest gestures that make the biggest difference; someone teaching your class so you can finish up testing for the 10th day in a row, a small book with a BIG message (thank you Kim), friends who know just what to say when you're feeling your worst, a smile, even a hug.  I just want to say thank you to those of you who are making a big difference in my life. It's nice to know when I am not taking care of myself, I have others looking out for and cheering me on.  With your help, I will make it through this week and out of this rough patch.  Love you all...

God, let my hard times be healing times. ~Amen

After a very LONG and emotional week, I was looking forward to a nice and relaxing weekend with my family.  And it couldn't have been better.  The weather was beautiful.  The nights were spent sitting around the fire with family and friends and we even made it to the pumpkin patch where we enjoyed apple slushies before picking our own pumpkins.  It really was so nice.  And now that the weekend is coming to an end, I find myself dreading this week ahead of me.  So much to do; so little time.  I am in a slump; feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, sad, emotional, and unmotivated. I am going to need the help and support of my co-workers, my friends, and my family to get through this hard time...

Love you Mom :)

Tonight was the first night in over a week I felt happy rather than sad. To enjoy this beautiful weather I took a long walk with Caylee and and my favorite Starbucks drink.  Then, I came home, kicked up my feet, poured a glass of wine, and watched last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy with the windows open.  And as if that wasn't enough, Caylee and I got to have a full-blown dance party with my mom while making dinner together.  Tonight was exactly what I needed to get myself back on the path and moving forward on my journey.  I am reminded tonight of the bond that is shared between mothers and daughters and how fortunate I am to have that love in my life...

I feel sad...

It has been a whirlwind of a week.  The days have seemed so long, but looking back, went by so fast.  And now here we are Saturday night, everything over, and the reality of it all setting in; sadness, grief, fear; thoughts of the past week; memories from old times; songs that overcome me with emotion.  I am thankful for my family, the time we have had together the last few days, the relationships we have built over the years, but now the peace that I once felt in my life seems to have disappeared.  I have faith that grandma is in heaven, but death raises so many questions for me.  And it is so hard to say your last goodbye's.  I pray that my mom will make it through the days to come.  I love her; I love having her in my life; I love the relationship we have.  She would say the same about grandma.  We were close, we spent a lot of time together, we cared for and took care of each other, we laughed together, we cried together, and we spent her last few days together.  I can only hope she is looking down on us smiling now as her pain and suffering are gone forever...

God, please help us get through the next few days.  Help us to lean on each other, cry with each other, and find some peace in knowing that grandma is safe with you.  Amen.

Grandma, we love you...

Love. There really is no way to explain how it makes us feel; happy, warm, liked, comfortable.
I seem to be stuck in this rain storm of life and struggling to find my way out.  I am emotional, exhausted, and sad.  And the other day on my way to work, after praying for my grandma, and my family, and the toll that everyday life has taken on us all, a song came on that I hadn't heard in a while.  It was uplifting, inspiring, and had a powerful affect on me and my emotions.  I just broke down.

Please watch this and really listen to the lyrics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZbTy5NoCck

Truth is, "love is unstoppable".  You can do anything you put your mind to, overcome any obstacle in your way, or weather the storm passing through as long as you have the support of those who care about and love you.

Today was a sad day.  But with love, we can get through this together.  Grandma, we love you...

Still "weathering the storm"...

The weather was perfect on Friday, not too bad yesterday, but just plain depressing today.  I did, however, manage to spend some well deserved quality time with "my Caylee".  If it takes cold, rainy weather for her to cuddle up next to me on the couch, I'll take it anyday.  I sure do love her.  Still ready for the rain to stop though, in more ways than one...

The key to keeping your balance is knowing when you've lost it. ~Anonymous

I often wonder how some people manage to lend a helping hand to others in need, accomplish their own tasks, and still have time to enjoy the wonderful moments/things in life without feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, exhausted, and on the verge of a breakdown.  Right now, I am at a place in my work-life where I am very grateful of the help from others, but I often feel guilty that others are going out of their way to make my life easier because I just can't do the same in return.  It feels like I'm struggling to keep my head above the water and for some reason saying "thank you" just doesn't seem like enough. When I get to this place, I have a hard time "letting go" of the guilt.  It affects my mood, my attitude, my productivity.  For those of you who have found this balance, I am looking for some advice here.  I seem to have lost mine and need to find it again...

Without the rain, there would be no rainbow ~Gilbert K. Chersterton

Been stuck in the house with a sick daughter the last couple of days.  I love the cuddling, but hate that she has to be sick to want it.  Anyway, after a LONG day in the house, I finally put her to bed and started watching a show that made me laugh 'til my stomach hurt...just what I needed to put that happiness feeling back in my life.  Sooooo ready to feel the calm of this storm that is passing through...

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock, time is passing on the clock...

I feel like I am running out of time.  Now that I'm back in school and thinking about one thing or another all the time, it has been harder to read my books, focus on positive thoughts, and well, really feel good and happy.  Lately, I just feel like I'm so rushed for time and it's hard to stop and enjoy special moments.  I'm worrying about this or that, feeling frustrated about one thing or another, and trying to keep a house clean, spend time with family, and take on extra projects at school.  I need to get back to that place where I'm happy, carefree, and at peace in my life.  Instead stress, lack of sleep, and constant thinking has regained control.  Today, I am ridding myself of it once again.  And tonight, my head will be in the books as I search for the light I have seen before...

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive."~ Anais Nin

I am truly thankful for the friendships I have.  Everyday I feel blessed for those that have come into my life; who have offered support, a listening ear, good advice, lifted me up when I was down, and helped me "Dream Big" (a song I recently heard by Ryan Shupe and the RubberBand...seriously, if you haven't heard it, please listen to it).  You have changed me in more ways than you will ever know...

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end ~Dan Wilson

Been praying about a problem I have been working through for a LONG time, and last night had a breakthrough.  Still working to find an end to it, but the fact that I understand it gives me hope that there will be one and a new beginning soon...

Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity, but in doing it. ~Greg Anderson

A few weeks into the school year and the excitement has worn off, routine has set in, and the dread of feeling overwhelmed, overworked, and exhausted has overcome me.  Even the kids are feeling it as the first round of strep throat has taken over my classroom.  Now, more than ever, I need to stop and "smell the roses".  Sometimes I get so wrapped up in life; I make too many checklists, I take on too many tasks, I look for ways to make a problem harder than it is.  Then, I feel bogged down, stressed out, and exhausted.  And that leads to feelings of guilt, worry, fear, and what-if's.  Life starts spinning out of control; I panic, I argue, I get irritated with others, and frustrated at myself.  Sometimes, I just need to be reminded to "stop and smell the roses".  It's not about what needs to get done, how much I have to do, or how hard the problem is, it's about enjoying every moment along the way.  Instead of letting all of the above get the best of me, I need to stop; breathe in the beauty around me; smile; and enjoy the journey...

Sigh...and remember

Had so much fun yesterday hangin' with my hubby; laughing in the golf cart, learning how to swing a club (and missing several times), just enjoying each other's company.  Now looking forward to relaxing with the family; windows open, chili going, hoodie and jeans on, autumn candle burning.  What a great weekend this has been! 

It's times like these that make me thankful for the things I have, the people I love, and the life I've been given.  Many thoughts and prayers for those reliving the horrific events of that day ten years ago and those that lost their lives in this tragedy.  God Bless America...

“Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.” – The Wonder Years

I have learned so much about myself while on this journey of life: I like to be in control; I like for things to go my way; I like to do things, go places, and be with people that make me feel comfortable; I hate confrontation; I am scared of the unknown; I have many fears about life, about what other people think, about death; I am a good friend; a loving wife and mother; a hard worker; and someone who has many hopes and dreams for the future.  I believe I have made many changes in myself, my attitude, my relationships, my life.  And though I am learning to love and accept who I am, sometimes it isn't easy.  I want so badly for others to understand and accept me, my feelings, my thoughts.  I want them to show me love by being kind and respectful with words and actions. I want to feel comfortable around them, happy, and worry free.  I wish I could snap my fingers and have it all fall into place. Too bad change isn't that easy...

Dear God:

Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Amen.

Lately, I have been dealing with a range of emotions regarding many different things taking place in my life.  And although doctors have reassured me they are taking care of me and my condition, my job has become extremely enjoyable, and my time off has been packed with family, friends, and fun, I still find myself worrying about things that are out of my control.  This prayer written by Reinhold Niebuhr reminds me that I am not the one in control, God is.  He will give me peace, courage, wisdom, and will help me overcome troublesome moments, situations, or days...

The moment may be TEMPORARY, but the memory is FOREVER ~Bud Meyer

Taking a break from my blog for the weekend to enjoy the time off, my family, and some of the last days with the boat for the season.  I have had a great week and feel happy.  I loved reconnecting with old friends; I have missed having them in my life.  I am excited about the year ahead of me at school.  The kids are great and my team is so flexible and supportive; I love that I don't leave school feeling overwhelmed, upset, and unhappy.  And most important, I am excited about spending some well deserved quality time with Caylee and Chad.  I can't wait to make new memories with them doing whatever we decide to do; watching football, going boating, even cleaning house!  There's always something to laugh about when we're doing all of the above.  This weekend I'm going to ENJOY each moment as we MAKE new memories...

Derek, Stacie, and Carson:

We don't get to see each other as often as I would like.  Our work schedules are a lot different and we live too far apart.  I know we rarely have deep conversations (usually because we're having too much fun enjoying each other's company), but it is important to me that you know how much I love you all.  Brother, where do I begin?  We have always had an unspoken love for each other, looked out for each other, and been there the best we could for each other in our darkest moments.  I am so proud of you, your beautiful family, and the accomplishments you have made in your life.  That little boy of yours is adorable.  And because you and Stacie are such great parents, he will grow up to be someone amazing!  It brings me joy to see you with such happiness in your life.  And I enjoy every moment we get to spend together.  Stacie, you are the sister I never had.  I feel comfortable around you and trust you.  I only hope you feel the same. I feel so blessed to have you all in my life.  I love you...

Love you gals!

Good times, great friends, fun night...wish it didn't have to end.  So much fun hangin' with friends who know me, who "get" me, and who accept me for who I am.  Had such a great night!  Thank you!  It was just what I needed...

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; But by the moments that take our breath away" ~Unknown

For the first time in a really long time, I allowed myself to get in the car (after dark), enjoy the cool breeze in my hair, and jam to my favorite songs (really loud).  No worrying about who was watching or what they might think, no being afraid of what might happen, no feeling guilty about leaving Caylee and Chad.  It gave me time to think about my life: people I love, things I hope to do, dreams I wish to fulfill, and the happiness that my family, friends, and co-workers bring me each day. I am so thankful for each and every moment I have been given with them. They take my breath away daily...

DANGER....CONTROL ALERT!!!!

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.
~Barbara De Angelis

Control (as defined in webster): to exercise influence over; to hold in restraint; to have power over

Control is something that used to occupy my thoughts, my feelings, my actions, my reactions, special moments, and well, just about everything, everyday.  I wanted so badly for things to go my way, for others to listen and respect me, for the day to turn out just as I had planned.  And when it didn't, I would panic.  This wasn't the only control that was making me miserable either. I had also let others control me, my thoughts, my life.  It was a constant battle that made me feel a range of emotions daily; fear, panic, shame, disappointment, sadness, but most of all anger.  When I started on this journey, I was a serious hot mess!  I had given up on myself, my dreams, my hopes, my life.  All because of this one word: CONTROL.  It is a scary word by definition, one that took me a long time to understand, acknowledge, and accept.  And though I believe I am finally overcoming its grip on me, there are still days I catch glimpses of it in my life.  Today was one of them. So, this post has been written to remind me:
"I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can always control what goes on inside."  ~Wayne Dyer
Don't panic, Don't push back, Don't get angry.  Instead of letting the entire day be ruined by one little word; smile, enjoy the moment, thank God for the beautiful day, for Caylee and Chad.  Then relax, take a deep breath, and say a prayer for those who are struggling with that little word too...

Self-image...ugh!

On this journey, I have really struggled overcoming negative thoughts toward this word-
SELF-IMAGE (the question defined by wikipedia): "What do YOU BELIEVE people think about you? 
For me, this is a tough question to answer.  AND a tough problem to admit to. I am one of those people who is very concerned about what others think and how others view all aspects of my life.  My husband would say, "who cares what anybody else says, does, etc...?"  Problem is, I do.  Maybe it stems from past life experiences, relationships, friendships.  It is, however, something I would like to overcome and another thing in my life I am trying to "let go".  Recently, I came across a quote that stopped me in my tracks and got me thinking: "To love someone is to show to them their beauty, their worth, and their importance." ~Jean Vanier
Part of what I have been lacking in my life is a true love for myself.  For too long I have looked to others for that feeling of love, to tell me I'm beautiful (inside and out), to show me I'm worthy and important.  AND too many times I have been let down, disappointed, and hurt because of it.  So, I am going to work on doing this for myself, loving myself, taking care of myself.  Because I am loveable, I am beautiful, I am worthy, and I am important.  And if I truly love myself, what others think won't matter anyway...

inhale~exhale~relax...

Went to see the cardiologist today. Have been having trouble breathing along with low blood pressure. And have been dealing with a lot of anxiety surrounding my heart condition and the new symptoms I have been having.  Was able to talk to my doctor, ask some important questions that I needed answers to, and was given a new medication to try. Praying the anxiety will now leave me and I can find the peace I have been asking for...

all of the above...

As I am making new discoveries about myself, I have become aware of many things I need in my life.  Things that bring me joy and comfort, along with peace and hope.  Many times in the past I felt I "didn't have a right" to these things.  And other times I just had a hard time expressing and communicating them to others.  No more.  From here on, I will be open and honest about the things I need in my life from myself, from my family, and from those around me.  My hope is to fulfill these needs with help from all of the above...

Peace...where are you???

Been back into work life for one week.  And I'm not gonna lie, it hasn't been easy to remain calm, enjoy every moment, and let go of stress.  In fact, today I felt panic more than once.  However, I am going to stay positive and be thankful for this day as I know there were lessons to be learned from it.  I will go to bed tonight excited about the day ahead of me, knowing that what needs to be done will get done in its own time.  I am going to let go of this feeling called anxiety and in its place find peace...

Sooooooo Much...

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.
~Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

The day I became a mom was one of the biggest and best days of my life.  I felt strong, happy, excited, hopeful.  Caylee is too young right now to read this, but I feel it is very important for her to know the ways she has positively affected me.  I am amazed everyday at how quickly time is passing and how old she is getting.  We have made such great memories together.  I am happy just to be around her, to spend time with her, to talk to her.  On my worst days, it's the thought of making it home to her that helps me get through.  She has the funniest facial expressions, stories that are too good to be true, and the cutest, sweetest voice.  It is hard to remember what life was ever like without her and I am so thankful that God put her in my life.  Being a mom has brought me joy, laughter, and love I never knew existed.  I LOVE being your mom, Caylee.  How much do I love you?  Soooooo Much...

Thanks Mom and Dad:

I am so grateful that God gave me such loving and supportive parents.  Though there have been times we have disagreed, been angry with each other, or not communicated well, you have always loved me, supported me, and been there for me.  As I continue to grow on this journey, my respect and love for you also grows.  I thank you for always being there when I need you, for helping me through the last few years, and for believing in me, when I didn't believe in myself.  The impact you have had on my life has been great.  And I am happy to say I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. For all the times I didn't say it and for everything you do, thank you both.  I love you...

The exhaustion has hit me!

I am happy where I am in life, with my family and friends, and at my job (finally!).  But I am totally exhausted.  And when I get "totally exhausted", I tend to get REALLY emotional, so tonight I'm going to enjoy a nice dinner with my family, spend some time with them, and go to bed early.  I'm guessing my husband will appreciate that very much...

It feels good...

It has taken me a long time to realize that, for the past several years, I have been closed off, guarded, and overprotective of myself, my heart, and well, my life.  You know the part in "Finding Nemo" where Dory says: " If nothing ever happens to him, then nothing will ever happen to him"?  Yep, that was me.  In earlier years of my life, I was cheated on, let down, lied to, felt I was never good enough, that someone was always judging me, my decisions, my life.  And somewhere along the way I put up a wall.  I told myself: "don't let anyone in"; "be careful, cautious", "don't get hurt".  I started letting thoughts of things that COULD happen control my actions and reactions.  I became so fearful of something happening, that I stopped letting my life happen.  Truth is, I NEVER want to go back to that place.  I am beginning to tear down that wall, to let people in, to let life happen.  And let me tell ya, it feels good...

Could it be...is this really me???

Today was the first day in a long time that I left work at a reasonable hour, with a smile on my face, feeling guilt free.  I actually felt like a pat on my back was well deserved and gave myself one (instead of feeling upset that someone else didn't)...then felt free to enjoy the rest of my day without fear or worry.  I really am starting to see changes taking place in me, in my life, and in my attitude.  I feel excited about the new friends I have made and the new relationships I am forming with old ones.  I like who I am becoming...

Here we go...

Getting ready to leave the house for my first day back at work.  I have a lot of different feelings about today; this year.  I am ready to leave behind the struggles of my past and start this new year.  I am excited to meet my kids and, though I have so many things left to do, am trying not to feel too stressed about it.  Different from previous years, I have went into this year with a great attitude: "what is done is done, and what is not, will get done in time".  I need to stay true to my new self.  I can't control anything that happens on a day-to-day basis, but I can control how I react to any situation.  I am hopeful that today will bring me peace, reassurance, and happiness. Because "who knows" (another of my favorite Zac Brown Band songs) what tomorrow will bring...

Choose to...

Two days of sun, blue skies, cool weather, family, and friends...I feel so relaxed and happy. Sometimes I let the stresses of everyday life get the best of me.  My goal for this year is to remember how I feel today.  And, when life stops me in my tracks, make the choice to fight back...

"CHOOSE TO LOVE. . .rather than hate.
CHOOSE TO SMILE. . . rather than frown.
CHOOSE TO BUILD . . . rather than destroy.
CHOOSE TO PERSEVERE . . . rather than quit.
CHOOSE TO PRAISE . . . rather than gossip.
CHOOSE TO HEAL . . . rather than wound.
CHOOSE TO GIVE . . . rather than grasp.
CHOOSE TO ACT . . . rather than delay.
CHOOSE TO FORGIVE . . . rather than curse."
~Author Unknown

A friend accepts us as we are yet helps us to be what we should. ~Author Unknown

Today, I am thankful for wonderful co-workers and supportive family members who are helping to make this part of my journey a heck of a lot easier.  I am learning to accept help when it is offered, to not feel guilty if something doesn't get done, and to enjoy getting to know those around me in a new way. I have a feeling some great friendships are in the making.  I can't wait to see what happens next...

"A-ha!"

What a beautiful day God gave us today.  The sun was shining, the sky was a brilliant blue, and the weather was finally cool and calm.  It was one of those days that makes you happy the second you walk outside.  Today, I was happy :)  I spent the morning with my daughter.  Then, worked at school with a friend.  And on my way home, as I had the windows down, the radio up, the fresh air hitting my face, I had one of those "a-ha!" moments.  In my life right now, I have so many people who care about me, who enjoy spending time with me, who want to help me out, and who want to see me happy.  And the fact of the matter is I have not acknowledged or accepted any of that because I have issues.  I am insecure, have a hard time trusting people, and worry too much about what others think of me.  I am wasting time with things that don't matter and losing precious moments with people who do.  To my family (especially Chad) and friends (new and old), I want you to know I am so thankful for having you in my life.  I can't wait to make new memories with all of you...

I love being a mom!

I spent most of my day and part of my night at school getting my classroom ready for the upcoming year and was feeling completely exhausted and overwhelmed.  That is until my daughter crawled up in my lap, gave me a hug, and held me tight as she played with my eyelashes.  I couldn't help but feel happy in that moment.  Ahhhhh, the joys of motherhood...

"If you can't change it, you might as well let it go" Zac Brown Band

Zac Brown says it best in one of my favorite songs, "Save your strength for things that you can change, forget the ones you can't, you gotta let 'em go."  I have been trying my whole life to make changes: in other people, for other people, at my job, to the world.  But the one thing I wasn't trying to change was me.  I thought if EVERYONE else would change, EVERYTHING in my life would be different.  Problem is, I found out I can't change anyone but myself...and that was the only thing that wasn't changing.  So, I started on this journey.  I had to get to know myself, my fears, my hopes, my dreams. I had to learn to take control of my life.  That change wouldn't happen unless I put myself out there, tried new things, took some risks, and felt uncomfortable every once in a while.  I also had to learn to "let go" of a lot of things, which was the hardest part for me.  As the summer ends, I am hopeful that this year ahead of me will be different, because I am.  I am "saving my strength" for when I need it, making "changes" where I can, and "letting everything else go". Well, I hope to anyway...

To My Husband:

I'm not sure I can ever put into words how much I appreciate and love you.  You do so much everyday to take care of me and Caylee.  None of it goes unnoticed.  I am thankful that you are a strong, independent, fun-to-be-around guy who puts family and friends first always.  I am excited about the new relationship we are building together and have enjoyed every moment we have spent doing things as a family.  You are a wonderful husband, an excellent father, and I am so happy to be sharing my life with you.  When I look back on where I've been and what it took for me to get through it all, I'm reminded of a Rascal Flatts song: "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you"...

...SMILE

So today didn't turn out the way you thought it would; it's ok...SMILE
Motivate yourself to do something unusual; when you do it...SMILE
Imagine what it would feel like to be carefree; ahhhhhhh...SMILE
Let go of everything you fear; dream big and...SMILE
Each of us are unique individuals who have so much to contribute to our community and world; be proud of yourself and your accomplishments...SMILE

Reminder to Self:

Spent today trying to enjoy the last free moments of summer break.  Next week it's back to the grind at work: setting up my classroom, meeting new students and their families, collaborating with the team. And though I am looking forward to the challenges that will come with a new team, a new grade level, a new year,  I couldn't help but feel sad that the time with my family will soon be limited: less time with each other in the mornings, no playing at home during the day in our pj's, no staying up late to watch our favorite show after Caylee FINALLY goes to sleep.  I was bummed out all day until I sat down to write this post.  Writing reminds me of that new person I am becoming; the one who worries less and doesn't take everything so seriously; the one who takes on the challenge or fear rather than avoiding it; the one who says I am not going to let one little thought, or feeling, or incident ruin the rest of my day, my week, my year.  Instead of worrying about going back to school, dreading summer break being over, and packing as many things as I can into the next few days, I am reminding myself to enjoy this moment, this day, the people around me.  Yes, I like that feeling much better...

Whew! What a Day...

In my recent posts, I have written about overcoming my fears, taking on new adventures, and enjoying the beauty of the world around me.  Today, I did all three.  I spoke my fears out loud to my peers, I zip-lined off a three story building (AND LIVED!), and I enjoyed the calming breeze as it moved through the trees.  I like the new person I am becoming, the new risks that I have been willing to take, and the joy that I have finally let into my life. I feel proud of myself and my accomplishments.  Whew!  What a day...

Thank you God

Today was one of those low key days; stayed in my pj's, chatted with an old friend, played at home with my daughter.  I didn't do much at all, but enjoyed myself thoroughly without fear, guilt, or shame.  We all need days like this once in awhile.  Thank you God for giving me this day...

Deep breaths; a smile; the feeling of happiness.

A friend of mine just shared some pictures on facebook of her recent trip to Portugal.  The pictures themselves were breathtaking, so I can't wait to hear what it was like to be there in person.  I can only imagine myself being there breathing in the fresh air, with a smile on my face, feeling like the happiest person in the world.  IMAGINE...is the key word here. And it started me thinking.  Though I wish I were one of those people, like my friends, who travel to far away places, exploring the land, taking on new adventures, and creating exciting memories with the ones they love, I am not. Anyone who knows me (and I mean REALLY KNOWS ME) knows I have a hard enough time leaving my family (daughter or husband) for longer than a two hour period and that spending one night away from them, on the same continent, makes me a nervous wreck!  So the fact of the matter is, though I would like to do those things, I can only IMAGINE them.  However, I have recently written about my own journey, the path I am on, and the new experiences I am having.  And though I am still living and breathing in the same places I have always been, I am enjoying life in a new and different way.  I notice the world around me: the beautiful day; the love of my family; supportive friends; places I never knew existed.  Bottom line is: no matter where you are, life can be breathtaking.  Look around you, take a deep breath, smile, and enjoy that feeling of happiness...

Thank you Stacie!

It is only fitting that the the song "Don't Stop Believin'" is performed by Journey.  Isn't that what we are all on...a journey?  My journey has led me down many paths; some were dead ends; some dark and scary; some were clouded by rain and storms. Others were clear as day, beautiful; sunny; colorful.  Regardless of the path I was on, I could always expect for there to be a bump.  I used to think of these bumps as a hinderance to me, but I have recently realized that bumps can be good.  They help slow you down, make you think, evaluate your situation or decision, and send you either moving again down the same path OR doing a U-turn in the middle of the road!  Today, I LOVE the path that I am on.  I see adventures in my future and feel happy and content.  I know there will be bumps on this "Journey", but the message is..."Don't ever stop believin'"; in yourself, in your dreams, about your future.  And you just might be surprised at where you'll end up...

Don't Count the Days, Make the Days Count~Muhammad Ali

I have spent countless hours of my life worrying about things that are out of my control and have missed out on many enjoyable moments because of it.  With the impending surgery ahead of me, I have found myself praying for more days to spend with my family and, again, worrying about how many days I have rather than enjoying the one I'm in.  This quote rings so true to me.  It gives me hope; it reminds me to enjoy each moment the day brings; it intrigues me to take risks; not to be angry for too long; to forgive others; and to make the best out of every situation, everyday.  In the end, it's not about how many days you have, it's about what you do and who you spend them with that counts...

"Love is a Family" (Title of a book by Roma Downey)

On this journey, I have learned so much about the different relationships you can have with family members and how important communication between us is.  It has taken me a while to become a better communicator of my thoughts and feelings, but has made a huge difference in many of my relationships.  I have also found that my effort to communicate more has helped others to feel more comfortabe when communicating with me.  Everyone wants to feel loved. Open your heart and allow it to flow in. If you have love, you express love, and you share love between all of you, that is a family. And what a special feeling that is...

Where do I go from here?

Each day brings new light to every situation.  This day has brought me joy and comfort already.  I am excited about the journey ahead of me; the start of a new school year; the joy that my daughter brings me; the comfort of a new relationship I am building with my husband.  As each day passes, I become more thankful for the life that God has given to me and hopeful for what is ahead of me.  So, where do I go from here?  I keep moving forward, taking one day at a time, enjoying each day for what it is...no fear, no worry, no guilt, no what-if's.  Living happy in the moment, the place, the time, with the people I love.  Nope, there are no regrets here...

Today's Thoughts

It is daily that fear imposes itself on me.  With fear comes panic; from panic, worry; and believe me, nothing good comes from worry.  I have drowned myself in books re-assuring me that I can look fear straight in the face and tell it to go away! And I do, daily...