Learn from yesterday, Live for today, Hope for tomorrow ~Albert Einstein

Took some time tonight going back and reading through old posts.  It was nice to reflect on the places I've been, the people who've helped me, and the path God has taken me down.  Sometimes I get so wrapped up in pleasing everybody else, I let my life spin out of control.  The above quote is one of my favorites.  There are many lessons to be learned from my past and they are being revealed to me as I go about my daily life; no need to be afraid.  Instead, live for the day; enjoy it and don't be so worried about everybody else, how they might feel, what they might say, if they are going to be upset.  Find hope; from others, from within, by being a "doer" instead of a "stewer".  The time spent this weekend with family and friends reminded me of this.  And there is hope; in my heart and for my future.  Now, let's pray I don't lose it at work this week...

Friends are the sunshine of life. ~John Hay

After a long and very hard week, I am finally starting to feel a little happier.  I had many responses to my last post; suggestions of things to do, quotes to remember, Bible verses to read, and songs to listen to.  Just what I needed.  Last night, I was able to relax and enjoy the night with some friends we hadn't seen in a while.  I went to bed early, slept in late, and awoke to a beautiful fall day.  Chad and I took Caylee to the apple orchard and the park, and when we returned home, there was a delicious cookie bouquet on my front porch.  It was such a nice surprise and so much appreciated. The quote above is so true.  This week, my friends have helped me climb out of that hole and see the sunshine.  Thank you...

Asking for help...

When I started this blog, I had many hopes and dreams for myself, my family, and my future.  I was tired of feeling guilty about the same old things, crying all the time, worrying about everyone, and not taking care of myself.  Looking back, this blog was a fresh start for me; a place where I could talk about my fears, escape from my worries, and have quiet time to reflect on my journey, my progress, the new me.  Weeks later, I have found myself stuck in a hole I can't quite seem to dig myself out of.  So, I am looking for some INSPIRATION; MOTIVATION; HOPE.  I want to get back to a place of peace, where enjoying every moment of every day puts a smile on my face, where worry and fear fade away and are replaced with feelings of comfort and joy. I can't do it alone.  I'm asking for help...

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” ~Dr. Seuss

Sitting on the balcony, drinking my morning coffee, and watching the waves roll in.  Today is our last day here and in this moment, I am wishing we had just a little longer to soak this all in.  This week, many things have happened that made me take a deeper look at one of my daily worries; what do others think of me, do I have a right to speak up, to participate, to be there???  And here's the thing, in the past I was told I wasn't welcome; in certain places, events, circumstances, etc.  The fact of the matter is: that shouldn't matter now, but the problem is, it does. I want others to know the real me; a compassionate, caring, kind person.  In the past, I may have come off differently to you, that wasn't the real me, that was me reacting to those daily worries.  It's hard to admit, but I wanted to fit in, to have friends who cared about and loved me, to feel happy.  And at the time, I thought that's what I had...it wasn't.  If you are a person that I have hurt in some way, please accept my sincere apology...

"Quiet Your Mind" -Zac Brown Band

It's been a while since my last post.  I have been doing a lot of soul searching, mind wandering, and working hard to figure out why the happiness has left me.  Then, on my way to work last week, Zac Brown Band's "Quiet Your Mind" started playing on my iPod.  And what I started to realize is that I have been working too hard to figure things out.  My mind was definitely not quiet and I seem to have gone back to many of my co-dependent behaviors.  Why?  I asked myself...and then it hit me.  I felt strong, more independent, able to control my emotions, but with the passing of my grandma I lost all control; of my emotions, of my vulnerability, I felt like a victim again, with fears, worries, and a lot of anxiety.  I was kicked down and, as a recovering co-dependent, am having a hard time standing back up, feeling confident, and enjoying my life.  This week I am at the beach and really connecting with this song and it's lyrics (below the screen): 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ty4TsRJQ_M
Instead of thinking, worrying, and feeling fear, I am going to try to "quiet my mind" and "soak it all in".  And hopefully come back from the beach refreshed, revived, rejuvenated, and ready to enjoy life's moments...

Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing. ~Mother Teresa

In life, sometimes it's the smallest gestures that make the biggest difference; someone teaching your class so you can finish up testing for the 10th day in a row, a small book with a BIG message (thank you Kim), friends who know just what to say when you're feeling your worst, a smile, even a hug.  I just want to say thank you to those of you who are making a big difference in my life. It's nice to know when I am not taking care of myself, I have others looking out for and cheering me on.  With your help, I will make it through this week and out of this rough patch.  Love you all...

God, let my hard times be healing times. ~Amen

After a very LONG and emotional week, I was looking forward to a nice and relaxing weekend with my family.  And it couldn't have been better.  The weather was beautiful.  The nights were spent sitting around the fire with family and friends and we even made it to the pumpkin patch where we enjoyed apple slushies before picking our own pumpkins.  It really was so nice.  And now that the weekend is coming to an end, I find myself dreading this week ahead of me.  So much to do; so little time.  I am in a slump; feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, sad, emotional, and unmotivated. I am going to need the help and support of my co-workers, my friends, and my family to get through this hard time...

Love you Mom :)

Tonight was the first night in over a week I felt happy rather than sad. To enjoy this beautiful weather I took a long walk with Caylee and and my favorite Starbucks drink.  Then, I came home, kicked up my feet, poured a glass of wine, and watched last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy with the windows open.  And as if that wasn't enough, Caylee and I got to have a full-blown dance party with my mom while making dinner together.  Tonight was exactly what I needed to get myself back on the path and moving forward on my journey.  I am reminded tonight of the bond that is shared between mothers and daughters and how fortunate I am to have that love in my life...

I feel sad...

It has been a whirlwind of a week.  The days have seemed so long, but looking back, went by so fast.  And now here we are Saturday night, everything over, and the reality of it all setting in; sadness, grief, fear; thoughts of the past week; memories from old times; songs that overcome me with emotion.  I am thankful for my family, the time we have had together the last few days, the relationships we have built over the years, but now the peace that I once felt in my life seems to have disappeared.  I have faith that grandma is in heaven, but death raises so many questions for me.  And it is so hard to say your last goodbye's.  I pray that my mom will make it through the days to come.  I love her; I love having her in my life; I love the relationship we have.  She would say the same about grandma.  We were close, we spent a lot of time together, we cared for and took care of each other, we laughed together, we cried together, and we spent her last few days together.  I can only hope she is looking down on us smiling now as her pain and suffering are gone forever...

God, please help us get through the next few days.  Help us to lean on each other, cry with each other, and find some peace in knowing that grandma is safe with you.  Amen.