I wish it wasn't so complicated...

Not sure why, but I have felt so compelled to write lately.  Maybe it's the fact that I finally feel like my job will make a difference and my family (including myself) is truly happy.  It's given me time to look back on my life and face some of those hard things that I had chosen to forget; relationships, friendships, behaviors, choices.

So much time has passed since those days, and it's hard to admit that there are still things that trigger me, that take me back to the feelings I once had.  The ones that made me feel scared, and sad, and angry, and embarrassed, but mostly unable to trust.

There were so many people that hurt me and who I hurt back.  So many times I swallowed that lump in my throat and dealt with the sick feeling in my stomach.  So many memories I wish I could go back and change, take back and forget. It seems so far gone, but all so real...even now.

I want to let go of the guilt, the sadness, the anger.  I want to celebrate the fact that I am not that person anymore and  let myself be free of all those who hurt me, but it's easier said than done and I don't exactly know who can help me or how to make it happen.  I worry what other's would think or how they would react if I contacted them.  And I worry about what will happen if I don't ever get to tell them how I really feel.  I wish it wasn't so complicated.

I hope, in time, the day will come when I am able to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made, to forgive others for the hurt I once felt, and acknowledge that I am a new person.  One full of love, passion, joy, and appreciation for this life and the lessons I've learned in it...