Letting it all out...

I am certain God sent me on this new journey for a reason.  He knew it was important for me to find myself, believe in myself, and feel confident with myself in order to gain the strength and courage I would need for the bumps in the road.  And today, I am faced with a challenging decision to which I need His strength and courage.  One that doesn't just include me and my future, but the future of my immediate family.  I see this two ways.  I forgo the medication, consider having another child, and accept the risks that will come with that decision; a risky pregnancy/delivery, surgery in the near future, my life.  The other option is to selfishly ask my husband to forgo having any more children, so that I can try the medication with the HOPE that; the aneurysm will not grow, surgery will not be necessary, my life will be prolonged.

I look at my precious Caylee, think about how much I love her, and love spending time with her.   I sit here asking myself: "how in the world can we ever make this decision?"  And once we do, "how will I know it was the right one?"

I need direction.  I need to not feel guilty and sad and mad and all those other feelings that being a co-dependent has brought me.  I need to know that waiting and thinking this over is okay and will not change anything right now.  I need to feel certain about whatever decision we make. 

I need to remember to live one day at a time, to accept the things I cannot change, and to trust in God.  I pray He will be with me, will guide me, and will give me many more happy days with my family...