"I'm gonna live like tomorrow never comes"~Zac Brown Band

*Patience-the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

Patience is something I thought I had...up until the last few weeks.  The wondering; the waiting; the worrying.  It has all added up.  And though I feel like I have finally gotten to the acceptance stage as far as the surgery is concerned...I have not been too accepting of the delay with insurance.  Truth is, I do feel upset, and maybe a little angry, that this is taking so long.  I'm so ready to be on the other side; to wake up; to get through the hard part; and to be home with my family resting and recovering.

I get that this is God working.  I've been spending my mornings with Him and my devotional, Jesus Calling.  He has reminded me that I need to trust Him and refuse to worry; that I need to be here--in the present; that He is my strength-empowering me to handle tasks as they come; and my song--bringing me Joy as I work alongside Him.  And yesterday, He even reminded me that my weakness is an opportunity to grow stronger in His presence; that my neediness is building trust in our relationship; and that if I look back on my journey, I should remember that on my days of extreme weakness--those were the days I feared, but learned and grew the most.

Getting through this doesn't have to be the end of my story--and doesn't mean the journey is over.  In fact, lots of people have given me hope that this will be a new beginning to both--a part 2 to my story as I head in a new direction on this journey--and that both excites me and scares me at the same time.

I will ask that you continue to pray for me--for strength and courage in the days ahead; for doctors and nurses that truly care about me and my well being; that my fears will be replaced by His peace; that I wake up and can handle the pain; that even though some things will be hard and embarrassing, I can be accepting of both and thankful for those taking care of me; that He will be there for Chad, Caylee, and the rest of my family--He will show them His love, His compassion, His grace; and that He will comfort us all every step of the way.

Still 'patiently' waiting on insurance approval to schedule the date.  We'll keep you posted as we get more information.

~Nicole <3

The Waiting--is the hardest part. ~Tom Petty

So I made it through the cardiac MRI.  The waiting beforehand was hard.  There were lots of deep breaths..and a few tears...a small panic attack...and then A LOT of me telling myself I can do this.

BUT..the WAITING!

Ah!  I feel like I get more information...then I wait.  

So here's the scoop:

Cardiac MRI showed the aneurysm is bigger than we originally thought (5.1 cm).  We discussed my options and decided to send my records to Cleveland Clinic where my dad had the same surgery 10 years ago.  We were expecting a few weeks to go by before hearing back from them for a consult appointment.  However, they called Friday evening to say there is an urgency for surgery because of the growth rate and wanted me to schedule surgery then and there.  My insurance requires approval to go out of network, so scheduling Friday evening was not an option.   I had to wait all weekend to talk to my doctors here about next steps.  Now I'm waiting for calls back from both nurses here and there--for insurance and to schedule a date.  

Waiting--it's so hard!

I feel like there is so much to do...and so little time.  And I'm wasting time by worrying and waiting.  I know if this was happening to someone else, I would be sending texts with inspirational quotes and bible verses...hoping to encourage them, offer support, remind them of their strength.  But I can't seem to get out of my own head.  The what-if's--the unknowns--the urgency of it all.  I'm driving myself crazy!  I'm not sleeping well.  I'm eating horribly.  And I am extremely emotional. 

AND THIS WAITING!  It's excruciating.

I'll keep you posted as we get more information.  So thankful for my family and friends...the hugs, the thinking of you gifts, and the all around support and prayers.  Still trying to talk myself into this.  Tell myself that I can do this.  And I don't really have a choice.  Now just praying that He will take the wheel--He will lead me down this scary road--and that this isn't the end of my story--that He isn't done with me yet.

Click HERE to learn more about my surgery.

Modified David Procedure is what we are hoping they can do to repair my valve, instead of replacing. Click the above link to learn more.  It is also our hope that Dr. Svensson will be doing the surgery.

Gifting our first windchime--#inspirejoy

Six years ago, when this journey began, I had A LOT to learn about myself.  To be honest, I was not in a good place.  I had recently found out about the aneurysm, was fighting postpartum depression, extremely hormonal, taking care of a new baby girl, moving into a new home, and readying myself to head back to teaching.  It was like...I had so much to be thankful for, to feel joyful about!  But my head and my heart wouldn't let me think or feel it.  I had become an emotional mess and decided it was time to talk to someone. 

Enter Ruth.  

At first, it was hard to talk about me.  Me? Huh...what could I tell her about me?  It had been such a long time since I had really taken a good, hard look at myself.  And really, I'm not sure a ME ever even existed up until that point. Truth be told, I found out I was always so worried about everyone else--pleasing everyone else, providing for everyone else, being there for everyone else, caring for everyone else--that it was literally making me crazy!  I was a codependent person and felt stuck in that label--sad, angry, unhappy, and hopeless.

And from there, Ruth became not only my therapist, but my teacher, my mentor on this journey called life.  She helped me find God's peace...and that brought me joy and hope.  She helped me get unstuck. She encouraged me to go after my dreams.  She helped me up when I fell and pushed me onward when I was afraid. She helped me find a me I never even knew existed!  And eventually, I was able to walk the path on my own two feet.  Six years of twists and turns, ups and downs, highs, and lows--and there are still days that I miss our 'talks'.

So. When we decided we would gift our first inspire.joy piece to someone who has inspired joy in our lives, she was the person that came to mind.  You see, not only has she helped inspire me on my journey, she has set an example for me and so many others on her own.  In late March of this year, she was diagnosed with Leukemia. You can read about her story here.  Her unwavering faith, positive attitude, strength, and courage continue to amaze me each day.  And I am so very thankful that God brought her into my life when He did.

On Saturday, we got to visit and I was able to present this very special piece, made especially for her. The idea behind our inspire.joy shareable trinkets is that you will find them (or receive them as a gift), keep them (as a reminder of the joy you are spreading in our world), and then, when you're ready, pass it on (to someone who has inspired joy in your life or that you feel needs inspired).

It is our hope to start a movement--to spread joy in and around our communities--by recognizing those who inspire us on a daily basis.  We hope you'll join #inspirejoy and share your stories with us!

Ruth's windchime is now on her front porch and as the wind blows, is a daily reminder of the joy she is inspiring in our world. <3