Monday, November 10, 2014

Face it...and then you'll make it!

To start off, I'm going to take you back a bit, almost six years to be exact.  This is when I found out that I had an aortic aneurysm and would at some point in my life need open heart surgery...or according to my first labor and delivery nurse that thing she "hoped didn't burst on my watch".

Okay, okay, I know most of you have already heard this story several times, so I'll make it short and sweet.  I have an aneurysm on my aorta, I have a leaky valve, and I will need open heart surgery to fix both.  When? Who knows!  I get echocardiograms, CT scans, etc. twice a year and meet with a doctor to check the size and status.  Once I hit the "risk of surgery is less than the risk of leaving it be" mark, they'll suggest it.  Until then, I wait...

Imagine that.  Waiting for someone to tell you they will need to put you under, stop your heart, crack your chest open, and fix it...all the while praying the thing doesn't rupture and you bleed out while taking your daughter to the mall or the park or whatever!

Stress much?  Yep.

Truth be told, up until recently I had a pretty good handle on it.  I spent my days laughing with and loving on my family, enjoying my free time, and creating pieces to share with others.  It seemed the sun was shining brightly on my life, on my path, and the days ahead seemed bright as well.

And then, it happened.  The storm came.  It blew through heavy and rough...dark clouds, cold rain, gusty winds.  Each time I thought it was letting up, it came back to hit me even harder, even darker, and so much scarier.

Then all at once, the rain stopped...the skies cleared...the sun returned.  And there I stood.  Unsure of what to do, where to go.  My path was gone in an instant and fear overtook me.  I began to feel overly emotional, worried, afraid, stressed out, overwhelmed...all the negatives I had worked so hard to eliminate from my life.  They were back and working in full force.

That is until now.  I've reached the point where I'm tired of giving in, being the victim to these negatives that have creeped back into my life.  And I'm doing something about it...writing here for one!  The storm made me lose hope...but I have found it once again and I'm ready to move forward.

I'm not sure I know where I'm going...and that's okay.  I do know that in order for any of it to work, I have to take care of myself first: mind, body, and spirit.  So that's what I'm doing...reflecting, adding back healthy eating and exercise, and doing a little soul searching. Think I'm finally ready for a new adventure!






Sunday, November 2, 2014

Speaking the truth is hard; sharing your own truth is harder.

I have to start this post by saying thank you to Devin Watson for his creativity and willingness to work with me.  The design of this blog is absolutely perfect!  


It’s been a while since I’ve experienced the mix of emotions I’ve felt over the past month or two.  So much that has happened…too much to wrap my head around all at once…and with not much time left to grieve, to feel sad, to cry, to be angry, I feel myself slipping into this shell.  I’m not living, I’m merely surviving day to day…going back to habits and behaviors from my past, allowing myself to think too much, feel the fear of those thoughts, and worry about what or where they might take me.  I’m lost. I’m scared. I’m sad. And I’m trying to pick up the pieces.

This is where I’d like to say I know how to do this.  I’ve been here before. I’ve got it all under control. Ha! This is also where I’d insert an inspirational quote, with an image, for a friend. I’d share my experiences and offer advice. But I know that won’t help me right now because I’ve pinned many “good reminders” lately and saved lots of quotes from facebook to my phone.  Yep, still here!

I keep telling myself this is part of the plan.  I don’t have to understand it right now, I just have to get through it…which makes me think about “not waiting for the storm to pass, but learning how to dance in the rain”.  That’s all fine and dandy.  I like to dance in the rain…but right now, I’m so lost, in such a hurry to get someplace other than here, I don’t even notice it’s raining.  Trusting the process…not easy.  Being patient…even harder, especially in the dark.

So…I decided the best thing to do was to start writing about it.  Last time I was here, well not here, here, but here as in feeling this way, I started blogging about my life…sharing my story.  And I figure if I want to empower young women to grow on their journey, they may as well get to know me and the journey I am on too. 

Which brings me to the last paragraph of this post.  The idea for this blog is to encourage and empower women of all ages to be who we are always.  To accomplish this, I’ll be bringing you some of my life’s funniest, scariest, grandest moments, along with sharing lessons I’ve learned (or I’m still learning) and links to information on these ‘blooming topics’.  Hope you will follow along, ask questions, share your thoughts, or even request a topic or storyline.

Already seeing a glimmer of light…