"Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1 NIV).

I got to spend some time chatting with a friend last night.  It was really nice to have conversation, share thoughts, and other similarities.  I miss that.  It's been a while since I've really taken time for myself or had any alone time.  It made me feel good :)

On another note, after my nervous breakdown this week, my therapist gave me some strategies to help me re-work my thinking and some different ways to process information.  Together, we decided that I am "intolerant of uncertainty", which is just some big words that mean I don't tolerate the unknown well.  Now, you may say I already knew that, and I did.  But after this weeks events, I was able to really see how that intolerance plays a daily role in my life.  I basically had a nervous breakdown because of several hypothetical situations that had played out in my head.  They were not real, not happening, not something I needed to spend time worrying about every second of everyday, but that seemed so real to my complicated mind until written down on paper and talked through.  We also discussed that people have different things they "believe" about worry.  And after going through all different types of beliefs, came to the conclusion that I "believe" the things that I worry about, always come true.  That is the truth.

I am learning so much about myself lately; I have seen my highs and lows, the lack of trust I have in myself and others,  the way my mind works.  There are so many changes I want to see take place; be more independent, take a risk, get out of my comfort zone, be more outgoing and likable, give more, take less, be a better listener, a better friend. 

I realize not all of these things can happen overnight.  But it's nice to finally see the potential of what could be.  I like the way it feels to be pulling away from the dark and coming into the light.  And what it truly means to have FAITH...

Re-post: Where do I go from here?

Each day brings new light to every situation. This day has brought me joy and comfort already. I am excited about the journey ahead of me; the start of a new school year; the joy that my daughter brings me; the comfort of a new relationship I am building with my husband. As each day passes, I become more thankful for the life that God has given to me and hopeful for what is ahead of me. So, where do I go from here? I keep moving forward, taking one day at a time, enjoying each day for what it is...no fear, no worry, no guilt, no what-if's. Living happy in the moment, the place, the time, with the people I love. Nope, there are no regrets here...

To help REMIND me where I've been and how hard I've worked to get where I am. This is one of my first posts; I had finally let go of so many things and was looking the fear straight in the face. It makes me wonder how I got back to the place I'm at now and why I seem unable to pull myself out of it.  I am hopeful though.  Maybe that's what it's going to take, starting back at the beginning, giving myself daily reminders, and working on just living in the moment...

A prayer...

Dear God:
For the past several days I have been experiencing chest heaviness, back pain, and cramping around my aneurysm area.  I have been under a lot of stress, and am now FREAKING OUT that something is terribly wrong!  Please help me let go of the stress, take a deep breath, stop those "toxic thoughts" from making me worry, and allow me to have faith and trust in you.  Trust that you have a plan for me and that there is no need to worry or feel fear.  I'm not ready to leave here yet.  I want to be here to see my daughter grow up and have children, to experience this new life I have been given, to grow old with my husband, and much more.  I am scared that something bad is going to happen, I am scared that I will need to have surgery, I am scared of the surgery itself, the risks that accompany it, and the recovery after, I am scared of death.  I am thankful for all that you have given me.  I pray for your forgiveness for the things I have done wrong and bad decisions I've made.  The past several weeks have been hard and I need a break.  Please take away these fears, worry, guilt, thoughts, aches and pains.  Restore me to good health physically, mentally, and spiritually.  Help me find peace.  Amen.

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ~George Bernard Shaw

There's nothing like being kicked back down to the ground when you've just decided to stand up and start going again. 

After writing my last post, I awoke to a sick stomach, body aches, and exhaustion.  I've been trying to recover the last couple of days from what seems like an all-out beat down.  Maybe it was my body saying it had had enough, or maybe it was God telling me to take a break.  Either way, it's been rough and I am so ready to feel better; no aches, or chest pains, or feeling irritable and tired.

I'm ready to continue on my journey, to see what's ahead, and who I become.  As the quote states, "life is about creating yourself".  So, I'm off to do just that. And if it all works out, the direction of my path could be changed forever...

Fear, go away!

Wow, so many things to be thankful for.  And even more things to be excited about! 

Lately, I've been struggling with so many things; Chad's accident, my duties at home, my tasks to accomplish at work, being a mom, gnawing chest/back pain, anxiety about the gnawing chest/back pain, you name it, and I can probably complain about it.

But tonight, I took a step back.  I have so many things to be thankful for; friends (who I haven't seen in while, but hope know I do still care about them), family (who have been so supportive over the last few weeks), co-workers (who, though may be pretending they don't mind, have covered for me while I was out), my illustrator (who is awesome and I'm sure has plenty of other things to be doing with her time), my husband (who is being so supportive and helpful with the book project), and a list of other things that could go on and on.

Truth is, I have no control over any of the things I have been struggling with.  The worry, anxiety, and stress caused by the above is not healthy and will not help me in the long run.  So, I sit here tonight, writing and praying to God.  That He will give me strength to overcome the fear, courage to trust myself and others, and hope that my dreams may become reality.  Whatever His path is for me, I need not fear it, but trust that He knows the way and will lead me in the right direction...

My 3 R's: Refresh, Relax, Reflect

It's been a while since I've just sat down to write.  Today I slept in, had 2 cups of coffee, and have just been hangin' with the fam.  It has been relaxing and a much needed break.

For the past several weeks, I have been working on ridding myself of "toxic thoughts", a term used in a book my therapist gave me, written by Dr. Caroline Leaf.  She talks about how these seemingly harmless "thoughts" can wreak havoc on your body physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  The more I read, the more I become aware of my thoughts and how they play out in my daily life.  Instead of taking time to enjoy my shower, my ride into work, my prep time, anytime really, I'm constantly thinking; playing out scenarios in my head of things that happened, how they could've been handled differently, what I should've done or said.  I also spend a lot of time thinking about things that haven't happened; playing out what-if scenarious, wondering how I should handle myself if they do, and worrying what others will say about how I react.
It would be wonderful to feel free of those thoughts, so I plan to continue reading and working on this. 

Thank you God for this day: to refresh my mind, relax my body, and reflect on my life...

New year; New Hopes; New Attitude

This year, I would like to focus on everything "new and good" happening in my life.  I put it in quotes because as I type, I am reminded of a college class that began each meeting in a circle, sharing things about our life that were "new and good".  I was in such a different place then.  My hopes were different, my dreams were simple, life was easy.  And somewhere along the way, it just got so complicated. 

So, this year, I would like to focus on everything "new and good" happening in my life now.  I plan to keep my hopes high, my dreams big, my life happy. 

Tonight, I received a new pendant for my pandora bracelet from Chad.  It is a four-leaf clover.  According to legend, each leaf represents something: the first is for faith, the second is for hope, the third is for love, and the fourth is for luck.  I am blessed to have all with me as I continue on my journey...