Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Derek, Stacie, and Carson:

We don't get to see each other as often as I would like.  Our work schedules are a lot different and we live too far apart.  I know we rarely have deep conversations (usually because we're having too much fun enjoying each other's company), but it is important to me that you know how much I love you all.  Brother, where do I begin?  We have always had an unspoken love for each other, looked out for each other, and been there the best we could for each other in our darkest moments.  I am so proud of you, your beautiful family, and the accomplishments you have made in your life.  That little boy of yours is adorable.  And because you and Stacie are such great parents, he will grow up to be someone amazing!  It brings me joy to see you with such happiness in your life.  And I enjoy every moment we get to spend together.  Stacie, you are the sister I never had.  I feel comfortable around you and trust you.  I only hope you feel the same. I feel so blessed to have you all in my life.  I love you...

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Love you gals!

Good times, great friends, fun night...wish it didn't have to end.  So much fun hangin' with friends who know me, who "get" me, and who accept me for who I am.  Had such a great night!  Thank you!  It was just what I needed...

Monday, August 29, 2011

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; But by the moments that take our breath away" ~Unknown

For the first time in a really long time, I allowed myself to get in the car (after dark), enjoy the cool breeze in my hair, and jam to my favorite songs (really loud).  No worrying about who was watching or what they might think, no being afraid of what might happen, no feeling guilty about leaving Caylee and Chad.  It gave me time to think about my life: people I love, things I hope to do, dreams I wish to fulfill, and the happiness that my family, friends, and co-workers bring me each day. I am so thankful for each and every moment I have been given with them. They take my breath away daily...

Sunday, August 28, 2011

DANGER....CONTROL ALERT!!!!

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.
~Barbara De Angelis

Control (as defined in webster): to exercise influence over; to hold in restraint; to have power over

Control is something that used to occupy my thoughts, my feelings, my actions, my reactions, special moments, and well, just about everything, everyday.  I wanted so badly for things to go my way, for others to listen and respect me, for the day to turn out just as I had planned.  And when it didn't, I would panic.  This wasn't the only control that was making me miserable either. I had also let others control me, my thoughts, my life.  It was a constant battle that made me feel a range of emotions daily; fear, panic, shame, disappointment, sadness, but most of all anger.  When I started on this journey, I was a serious hot mess!  I had given up on myself, my dreams, my hopes, my life.  All because of this one word: CONTROL.  It is a scary word by definition, one that took me a long time to understand, acknowledge, and accept.  And though I believe I am finally overcoming its grip on me, there are still days I catch glimpses of it in my life.  Today was one of them. So, this post has been written to remind me:
"I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can always control what goes on inside."  ~Wayne Dyer
Don't panic, Don't push back, Don't get angry.  Instead of letting the entire day be ruined by one little word; smile, enjoy the moment, thank God for the beautiful day, for Caylee and Chad.  Then relax, take a deep breath, and say a prayer for those who are struggling with that little word too...

Friday, August 26, 2011

Self-image...ugh!

On this journey, I have really struggled overcoming negative thoughts toward this word-
SELF-IMAGE (the question defined by wikipedia): "What do YOU BELIEVE people think about you? 
For me, this is a tough question to answer.  AND a tough problem to admit to. I am one of those people who is very concerned about what others think and how others view all aspects of my life.  My husband would say, "who cares what anybody else says, does, etc...?"  Problem is, I do.  Maybe it stems from past life experiences, relationships, friendships.  It is, however, something I would like to overcome and another thing in my life I am trying to "let go".  Recently, I came across a quote that stopped me in my tracks and got me thinking: "To love someone is to show to them their beauty, their worth, and their importance." ~Jean Vanier
Part of what I have been lacking in my life is a true love for myself.  For too long I have looked to others for that feeling of love, to tell me I'm beautiful (inside and out), to show me I'm worthy and important.  AND too many times I have been let down, disappointed, and hurt because of it.  So, I am going to work on doing this for myself, loving myself, taking care of myself.  Because I am loveable, I am beautiful, I am worthy, and I am important.  And if I truly love myself, what others think won't matter anyway...

Thursday, August 25, 2011

inhale~exhale~relax...

Went to see the cardiologist today. Have been having trouble breathing along with low blood pressure. And have been dealing with a lot of anxiety surrounding my heart condition and the new symptoms I have been having.  Was able to talk to my doctor, ask some important questions that I needed answers to, and was given a new medication to try. Praying the anxiety will now leave me and I can find the peace I have been asking for...

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

all of the above...

As I am making new discoveries about myself, I have become aware of many things I need in my life.  Things that bring me joy and comfort, along with peace and hope.  Many times in the past I felt I "didn't have a right" to these things.  And other times I just had a hard time expressing and communicating them to others.  No more.  From here on, I will be open and honest about the things I need in my life from myself, from my family, and from those around me.  My hope is to fulfill these needs with help from all of the above...

Monday, August 22, 2011

Peace...where are you???

Been back into work life for one week.  And I'm not gonna lie, it hasn't been easy to remain calm, enjoy every moment, and let go of stress.  In fact, today I felt panic more than once.  However, I am going to stay positive and be thankful for this day as I know there were lessons to be learned from it.  I will go to bed tonight excited about the day ahead of me, knowing that what needs to be done will get done in its own time.  I am going to let go of this feeling called anxiety and in its place find peace...

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Sooooooo Much...

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.
~Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

The day I became a mom was one of the biggest and best days of my life.  I felt strong, happy, excited, hopeful.  Caylee is too young right now to read this, but I feel it is very important for her to know the ways she has positively affected me.  I am amazed everyday at how quickly time is passing and how old she is getting.  We have made such great memories together.  I am happy just to be around her, to spend time with her, to talk to her.  On my worst days, it's the thought of making it home to her that helps me get through.  She has the funniest facial expressions, stories that are too good to be true, and the cutest, sweetest voice.  It is hard to remember what life was ever like without her and I am so thankful that God put her in my life.  Being a mom has brought me joy, laughter, and love I never knew existed.  I LOVE being your mom, Caylee.  How much do I love you?  Soooooo Much...

Friday, August 19, 2011

Thanks Mom and Dad:

I am so grateful that God gave me such loving and supportive parents.  Though there have been times we have disagreed, been angry with each other, or not communicated well, you have always loved me, supported me, and been there for me.  As I continue to grow on this journey, my respect and love for you also grows.  I thank you for always being there when I need you, for helping me through the last few years, and for believing in me, when I didn't believe in myself.  The impact you have had on my life has been great.  And I am happy to say I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. For all the times I didn't say it and for everything you do, thank you both.  I love you...

Thursday, August 18, 2011

The exhaustion has hit me!


I am happy where I am in life, with my family and friends, and at my job (finally!).  But I am totally exhausted.  And when I get "totally exhausted", I tend to get REALLY emotional, so tonight I'm going to enjoy a nice dinner with my family, spend some time with them, and go to bed early.  I'm guessing my husband will appreciate that very much...

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

It feels good...

It has taken me a long time to realize that, for the past several years, I have been closed off, guarded, and overprotective of myself, my heart, and well, my life.  You know the part in "Finding Nemo" where Dory says: " If nothing ever happens to him, then nothing will ever happen to him"?  Yep, that was me.  In earlier years of my life, I was cheated on, let down, lied to, felt I was never good enough, that someone was always judging me, my decisions, my life.  And somewhere along the way I put up a wall.  I told myself: "don't let anyone in"; "be careful, cautious", "don't get hurt".  I started letting thoughts of things that COULD happen control my actions and reactions.  I became so fearful of something happening, that I stopped letting my life happen.  Truth is, I NEVER want to go back to that place.  I am beginning to tear down that wall, to let people in, to let life happen.  And let me tell ya, it feels good...

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Could it be...is this really me???

Today was the first day in a long time that I left work at a reasonable hour, with a smile on my face, feeling guilt free.  I actually felt like a pat on my back was well deserved and gave myself one (instead of feeling upset that someone else didn't)...then felt free to enjoy the rest of my day without fear or worry.  I really am starting to see changes taking place in me, in my life, and in my attitude.  I feel excited about the new friends I have made and the new relationships I am forming with old ones.  I like who I am becoming...

Monday, August 15, 2011

Here we go...

Getting ready to leave the house for my first day back at work.  I have a lot of different feelings about today; this year.  I am ready to leave behind the struggles of my past and start this new year.  I am excited to meet my kids and, though I have so many things left to do, am trying not to feel too stressed about it.  Different from previous years, I have went into this year with a great attitude: "what is done is done, and what is not, will get done in time".  I need to stay true to my new self.  I can't control anything that happens on a day-to-day basis, but I can control how I react to any situation.  I am hopeful that today will bring me peace, reassurance, and happiness. Because "who knows" (another of my favorite Zac Brown Band songs) what tomorrow will bring...

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Choose to...

Two days of sun, blue skies, cool weather, family, and friends...I feel so relaxed and happy. Sometimes I let the stresses of everyday life get the best of me.  My goal for this year is to remember how I feel today.  And, when life stops me in my tracks, make the choice to fight back...

"CHOOSE TO LOVE. . .rather than hate.
CHOOSE TO SMILE. . . rather than frown.
CHOOSE TO BUILD . . . rather than destroy.
CHOOSE TO PERSEVERE . . . rather than quit.
CHOOSE TO PRAISE . . . rather than gossip.
CHOOSE TO HEAL . . . rather than wound.
CHOOSE TO GIVE . . . rather than grasp.
CHOOSE TO ACT . . . rather than delay.
CHOOSE TO FORGIVE . . . rather than curse."
~Author Unknown

Thursday, August 11, 2011

A friend accepts us as we are yet helps us to be what we should. ~Author Unknown

Today, I am thankful for wonderful co-workers and supportive family members who are helping to make this part of my journey a heck of a lot easier.  I am learning to accept help when it is offered, to not feel guilty if something doesn't get done, and to enjoy getting to know those around me in a new way. I have a feeling some great friendships are in the making.  I can't wait to see what happens next...

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

"A-ha!"

What a beautiful day God gave us today.  The sun was shining, the sky was a brilliant blue, and the weather was finally cool and calm.  It was one of those days that makes you happy the second you walk outside.  Today, I was happy :)  I spent the morning with my daughter.  Then, worked at school with a friend.  And on my way home, as I had the windows down, the radio up, the fresh air hitting my face, I had one of those "a-ha!" moments.  In my life right now, I have so many people who care about me, who enjoy spending time with me, who want to help me out, and who want to see me happy.  And the fact of the matter is I have not acknowledged or accepted any of that because I have issues.  I am insecure, have a hard time trusting people, and worry too much about what others think of me.  I am wasting time with things that don't matter and losing precious moments with people who do.  To my family (especially Chad) and friends (new and old), I want you to know I am so thankful for having you in my life.  I can't wait to make new memories with all of you...

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I love being a mom!

I spent most of my day and part of my night at school getting my classroom ready for the upcoming year and was feeling completely exhausted and overwhelmed.  That is until my daughter crawled up in my lap, gave me a hug, and held me tight as she played with my eyelashes.  I couldn't help but feel happy in that moment.  Ahhhhh, the joys of motherhood...

Monday, August 8, 2011

"If you can't change it, you might as well let it go" Zac Brown Band

Zac Brown says it best in one of my favorite songs, "Save your strength for things that you can change, forget the ones you can't, you gotta let 'em go."  I have been trying my whole life to make changes: in other people, for other people, at my job, to the world.  But the one thing I wasn't trying to change was me.  I thought if EVERYONE else would change, EVERYTHING in my life would be different.  Problem is, I found out I can't change anyone but myself...and that was the only thing that wasn't changing.  So, I started on this journey.  I had to get to know myself, my fears, my hopes, my dreams. I had to learn to take control of my life.  That change wouldn't happen unless I put myself out there, tried new things, took some risks, and felt uncomfortable every once in a while.  I also had to learn to "let go" of a lot of things, which was the hardest part for me.  As the summer ends, I am hopeful that this year ahead of me will be different, because I am.  I am "saving my strength" for when I need it, making "changes" where I can, and "letting everything else go". Well, I hope to anyway...

Saturday, August 6, 2011

To My Husband:

I'm not sure I can ever put into words how much I appreciate and love you.  You do so much everyday to take care of me and Caylee.  None of it goes unnoticed.  I am thankful that you are a strong, independent, fun-to-be-around guy who puts family and friends first always.  I am excited about the new relationship we are building together and have enjoyed every moment we have spent doing things as a family.  You are a wonderful husband, an excellent father, and I am so happy to be sharing my life with you.  When I look back on where I've been and what it took for me to get through it all, I'm reminded of a Rascal Flatts song: "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you"...

Friday, August 5, 2011

...SMILE

So today didn't turn out the way you thought it would; it's ok...SMILE
Motivate yourself to do something unusual; when you do it...SMILE
Imagine what it would feel like to be carefree; ahhhhhhh...SMILE
Let go of everything you fear; dream big and...SMILE
Each of us are unique individuals who have so much to contribute to our community and world; be proud of yourself and your accomplishments...SMILE

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Reminder to Self:

Spent today trying to enjoy the last free moments of summer break.  Next week it's back to the grind at work: setting up my classroom, meeting new students and their families, collaborating with the team. And though I am looking forward to the challenges that will come with a new team, a new grade level, a new year,  I couldn't help but feel sad that the time with my family will soon be limited: less time with each other in the mornings, no playing at home during the day in our pj's, no staying up late to watch our favorite show after Caylee FINALLY goes to sleep.  I was bummed out all day until I sat down to write this post.  Writing reminds me of that new person I am becoming; the one who worries less and doesn't take everything so seriously; the one who takes on the challenge or fear rather than avoiding it; the one who says I am not going to let one little thought, or feeling, or incident ruin the rest of my day, my week, my year.  Instead of worrying about going back to school, dreading summer break being over, and packing as many things as I can into the next few days, I am reminding myself to enjoy this moment, this day, the people around me.  Yes, I like that feeling much better...

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Whew! What a Day...

In my recent posts, I have written about overcoming my fears, taking on new adventures, and enjoying the beauty of the world around me.  Today, I did all three.  I spoke my fears out loud to my peers, I zip-lined off a three story building (AND LIVED!), and I enjoyed the calming breeze as it moved through the trees.  I like the new person I am becoming, the new risks that I have been willing to take, and the joy that I have finally let into my life. I feel proud of myself and my accomplishments.  Whew!  What a day...

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Thank you God

Today was one of those low key days; stayed in my pj's, chatted with an old friend, played at home with my daughter.  I didn't do much at all, but enjoyed myself thoroughly without fear, guilt, or shame.  We all need days like this once in awhile.  Thank you God for giving me this day...

Monday, August 1, 2011

Deep breaths; a smile; the feeling of happiness.

A friend of mine just shared some pictures on facebook of her recent trip to Portugal.  The pictures themselves were breathtaking, so I can't wait to hear what it was like to be there in person.  I can only imagine myself being there breathing in the fresh air, with a smile on my face, feeling like the happiest person in the world.  IMAGINE...is the key word here. And it started me thinking.  Though I wish I were one of those people, like my friends, who travel to far away places, exploring the land, taking on new adventures, and creating exciting memories with the ones they love, I am not. Anyone who knows me (and I mean REALLY KNOWS ME) knows I have a hard enough time leaving my family (daughter or husband) for longer than a two hour period and that spending one night away from them, on the same continent, makes me a nervous wreck!  So the fact of the matter is, though I would like to do those things, I can only IMAGINE them.  However, I have recently written about my own journey, the path I am on, and the new experiences I am having.  And though I am still living and breathing in the same places I have always been, I am enjoying life in a new and different way.  I notice the world around me: the beautiful day; the love of my family; supportive friends; places I never knew existed.  Bottom line is: no matter where you are, life can be breathtaking.  Look around you, take a deep breath, smile, and enjoy that feeling of happiness...